


Philisophical Kili

by jynx



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Zombies, And bones him, F/M, Fili still loves him, Graphic zombie stuff, He is an actual zombie, IVE BEEN TOLD ITS VERY GROSS, Implied necrophelia, Incest, Kili is a zombie, M/M, Philosophy, Post Apocalyptic AU, With missing bits, Zombie Apocalypse, Zombie sex, nonlinear story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-20
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2017-12-27 02:47:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 106
Words: 31,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/973399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jynx/pseuds/jynx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The life and journey of Kili Durin, philosophical zombie, and how he ends up curing the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Kyuubikun prompted me on Tumblr about a thoughtful zombie Kili and this...kind of erupted. And then the oneshot did VERY well and Ceealaina encouraged my bad idea to make a blog out of it. So every Tuesday and Thursday I post a new short on the blog. You can find it here: philisophicalzombie.tumblr.com
> 
> (the typo is on purpose)

"You are the weirdest zombie I have ever seen," Fili said, watching as the brunet zombie by the name of Kili sat in the remains of the local university’s philosophy department.

Kili was gnawing the flesh off the bone of the dean of the department. “The unexamined life is not worth living.”


	2. "Beauty is a short-lived tyranny." ~ Socrates

"Beauty is a short-lived tyranny," Kili said, craning his head this way and that in the mirror. One of his eyes was a black wreck, the actual eye long ago clawed out by a hungry raven, but his face was otherwise untouched by the rot. His jaw, though, had rotted at the hinges, making talking and blowjobs hard. 

"You’re still gorgeous to me," Fili said, coming over and tugging Kili into a hug. Kili leaned into him, letting the blond stroke the skin against his neck. "I still kiss you. I still make love to you."

"You do not believe in beauty," Kili said, trying to smile. One side of his face refused to move, the muscles having locked in rigor again after the energy from his last meal.

"You say that beauty is short-lived," Fili said. "That’s not true. Physical beauty is but you, even like this, you are beautiful to me."

Kili reached down, his movements slow and jerky. He ran his bony, skeletal hands through Fili’s hair. “I’m a corpse.”

Fili leaned up and kissed Kili gently. “You’re my corpse.”


	3. "A picture is a fact." ~Wittgenstein

"A picture is a fact," Kili said, looking at the pictures on Fili’s phone. "This is my fact."

Yup,” Fili said, smiling a little at the picture Kili had up. It was of the two of them before the world had ended. Fili was dressed in a baseball jersey with Kili wearing his hat. The two of them were smiling, both looking so happy and normal. 

"I had a face," Kili said. He did have one then, a normal one, with brown eyes and long black eyelashes. He had stubble and long hair starting to dread, his visible ear pierced with several gold studs. He was slouched, taller than Fili, with long and muscled arms wrapped around Fili. 

Fili looked much the same except his blond hair was longer and tied into a ponytail to keep it out of the way. There were lines in his young face that weren’t there in the picture, but that was to be expected when one had gone through what they had. 

"You still have a face," Fili said, glancing out the window.

"Not as pleasing to the eye," Kili said. He poked at the camera icon on the phone, flipping the camera to the front lens and taking a picture of himself. There were no mirrors in the world anymore so one only knew how they looked from their phones. Kili examined himself. It had been a bit since he had last ate and he was hungry. His skin and eyes reflected it; his skin was pale and starting to swell in places and discolor in others, almost like he was an overripe banana and his eyes—eye, really, with the other a black hole with only the barest remnants of nerves dangling from the socket—was sunken and cloudy looking. He could see his skeleton, the way his bloated and odd looking skin was at once too loose and too tight over sharp angles and curves. 

Fili looked away from the window, coming over and taking the phone away from Kili. “You are still Kili,” Fili said. “Still my brother. Still wonderful and fantastic and gorgeous.”

"A picture is a fact," Kili said, pointing a broken finger at the phone. "Fact."

Fili pushed the phone into one of his pockets and secured it before squatting down in front of Kili. He cupped Kili’s face with one hand, clothed in fingerless gloves to give him better traction with his gun and knives, and ran his bare thumb over the sticky flesh. Part of it clung to Fili’s thumb when it moved and Kili watched Fili stare at his hand.

"We need to feed you," Fili said.

Kili raised his hand and touched his own mouth, pushing at the flesh and turning from Fili. “You should leave me.”

Fili leaned over, brushing a quick kiss over the top of Kili’s head. “Never, little bro. C’mon, I think we’re close to Berklee.”

Kili felt the hunger gnaw at him and his jaw worked, unhinging itself as he made a hungry hiss-inhale, his nose turning up and scenting the air. Yes…yes, they were. Berklee. Knowledge. Flesh. He would feed and Fili would kiss him and they would roll in the entrails and blood together.


	4. "Time flies never to be recalled." ~ Virgil

Kili looked at himself in the mirror, eyes wide. He’d been bit. His shoulder and arm were oozing blood, two of the undead having taken chunks out of him. He had barricaded himself in the bathroom, the one in the back hallway near the Classics department where no one went, the one he usually hid in to get high before class.

What had he done to deserve this? Yeah, sure, maybe getting kicked out of school and getting high and being what Uncle Thorin called a degenerate counted against him a little, but he was trying to find himself. He was only… He was going to die before he even got a chance to buy booze for the first time.

Kili tried not to cry as he wedged himself in the corner under the grimy sink. He reached into his pocket with a bloody hand, watching as the black lines of the virus started snaking out and around from the bites. He needed someone to know, someone to care, that he was dying. That he would still exist but not as himself.

He called Fili.


	5. "While there’s life, there’s hope." ~Cicero

Fili made his way as carefully and silently as possible to avoid being caught. Kili had called him four months ago but it had been hard traveling across a world that had gone mad. Everywhere he went there were people turning into zombies, ripping apart anything they could get at that would feed them. Even here at Kili’s old university there were still zombies wandering the halls looking for food.

He wanted so badly to find his little brother, to hold him, to check him over, to see he was all right. He knew, though, that Kili would not be all right. He’d been bitten—twice—and already Fili could hear the change in his voice. He’d stayed on the phone with Kili, trying to calm him, to at least have someone with him when he died. He’d heard the screams, the growls, and utter silence, and then the scrape and slow shuffle of a barely animated corpse. 

Now, months later, Fili was here. He was armed with guns, ammo, and knives. Plenty of things he could use to end his baby brother’s suffering. Part of him was devastated, had been since that phone call, trying to adjust to the fact he would never kiss, hug, or touch Kili again, that he would never hear him laugh or make those ridiculous early morning grunts that passed for language. 

Fili heard a zombie shuffling behind him and silently ducked into an open office. He heard another shuffle and whirled, pulling out two machetes and dropping his right leg back to give himself better movement and leverage. He stared in shocked, the blades dropping from his hands, as he saw the zombie in the corner.

It was Kili.

He looked dead, like the zombies Fili had passed or killed, but there was also something different about Kili. He was crouched in the corner, hands wrapped around a severed arm. Kili was gnawing on the joint, normally liquid chocolate eyes gone black and rotted. One looked like it had been ripped out… but it was Kili.

Fili bent down and picked up one of the machetes and made his way over to Kili. “Hey, kid, it’s me,” Fili said softly. “It’s Fili.”

Kili’s head twitched slightly as he jerkily lifted his head and turned to see Fili more fully. 

"My Raven," Fili said, his voice choked, as he bowed his head. "Oh, Ki." He couldn’t help the wave of grief that swamped him. His beautiful baby brother, his Kili, the moon to his sun, his everything. 

Kili’s jaw moved, creaking and cracking. “Fsswwwweeeeeee.”

Fili stared at him, head lifting and staring at Kili. “You…you know me.”

Kili let the arm fall to the ground with a thunk and reached out, his cold and stiff fingers touching Fili’s face. “Fsssswwweeeee.” He moved, jerkily, like a puppet with damaged strings, but he moved and leaned into Fili. Kili was sniffing him, mouth opening and closing with a clack, but he did not bite Fili. He leaned against him in soft contentment, somehow making sounds through a damaged throat that sounded like Fili’s name. Fili wrapped an arm around him and sat on the ground, holding Kili against him as Kili continued to speak his name.

Where there’s life, there’s hope.


	6. "Every man has a right to risk his own life for the preservation of it." ~Rousseau

Fili leaned against the wall and waited for Kili to finish his meal. Part of him felt horrible for helping kill what few people survived but when weighed against having his brother return to a mindless sack of meat and bones it was an easy choice. Besides, hopefully they’d find a cure soon. Gandalf was hopeful, he and Elrond both.

"Fili," Kili said, pressing close and wrapping his arms around the shorter blond. He looked more like he used too, less rot and more skin with an almost healthy flush.

"Hey gorgeous," Fili said with a smile. He kissed Kili’s cheek and laughed when Kili reached down to grab Fili’s ass. "Did you want something?"

"I don’t care," Kili said with his head resting on Fili’s shoulder as he curved close around Fili. "But you do. Love you. Let me do this?"

Fili nudged Kili’s head off his shoulder and used his thumb to wipe away some of the blood there. “One day everything will go back to normal. They’ll cure you.”

With what was left of his lips pulling into a smile Kili tugged Fili with him to a clean room and wiggled his way out of his clothing. Fili closed his eyes, not wanting to see the full damage he knew was there. Kili pressed close, touching Fili’s eyes.

"Its safe," Kili said. Fili opened his eyes and blinked. Kili smiled proudly. "I think I figured out how much I need to eat."

"Beautiful," Fili said. They leaned together, both going for Fili’s clothes and undressing him. They moved as one when they reached for each other, joining, Fili seeking what pleasure Kili could give him, knowing Kili was the only one for him, no matter what. Kili encouraged him, reaching back and holding onto one of Fili’s hands, their fingers twining together.

"Soon," Kili whispered as he pressed a cold kiss to Fili’s forehead. "Soon it’ll be back to normal."

"I don’t want to lose you," Fili said, reaching up and gently stroking Kili’s hair. "Not again."

"Every man has the right to risk his own life for the preservation of it," Kili said. Fili nodded and held Kili close, feeling the warmth fade and the rot creep back under his hands.


	7. "Faced with what is right, to leave it undone shows a lack of courage." ~Confucius

Fili brought Kili to Gandalf and Elrond. The two had been telling the world about the zombie threat for years, scientific minds who had seen the writing on the wall before anyone else. There were others that worked with them but it was Gandalf and Elrond that everyone knew. It was a long journey, made longer by the fact Kili needed to feed.

Fili had tried to travel with Kili without letting him feed, not sure he could stand letting someone else die or, worse, fall victim to the virus, but that proved to be a bad idea. The longer Kili went without feeding the more mindless he became. When he turned on Fili with hunger in his eyes it became obvious that Kili would need to eat. Fili had found a small gas station full of survivors and let Kili in. He had spent the entire time Kili ate trying to block out the screams and hating himself.

By the time they arrived at the Rivendell Scientific Center Fili had become numb to the screams. Somewhere along the way he had adds his own voice to the screams but he couldn’t deny the evidence before his eyes. Kili was looking far more human than before and he could talk easier. It wasn’t any sort of stimulating conversation but he was still Kili.

"They’re going to try and cure you," Fili said as they looked at the entrance before them. Barbed wire, boarded up windows, chains, jagged wood spikes where already struggling corpses of other zombies flailed.

"Cure," Kili murmured. "Faced with what is right, to leave it undone shows a lack of courage."

"What?" Fili asked, startled.

Kili smiled, the muscles in his face working for once. “You feed me. You’ll cure me. Stay with me, Fi?”

"Always," Fili said, reaching out and holding Kili’s hand, trying to ignore the way it felt like holding a skeleton.

"Courage," Kili said softly as they walked through the well fortified yard to the Center’s door. "Courage."


	8. "Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop." ~ Lewis Carrol

Gandalf looked at Kili with a considering look while Elrond took care of Fili. The older brother needed food, a shower, and—most importantly—time away from his younger sibling. Kili watched everything around him, head following the movement and sounds around him. Gandalf was unsure if that was because he understood or because he wanted to eat them.

"Kili Haegan," Gandalf began once he got Kili out of his corner and onto the examination table. He was looking at the information Fili had given them on his tablet.

"Duuuuuuriiiiiiin," Kili said, his words slow and slurred.

"Durin?" Gandalf asked, looking up. "You go by your mother’s maiden name?"

Kili gave a jerky nod.

"Interesting," Gandalf murmured, coming over to Kili and examining him more closely. "What is eight times eight?"

Kili’s head tilted to the side, a crack sounding at the movement not unlike the sound of someone cracking their knuckles. “Siiiiiixty—ppphhoore.”

Gandalf nodded, absently stroking his beard. “Yes, that’s it. I can never remember my eights.” 

Kili watched him silently.

"Who is the best guitar player of all time?" Gandalf asked.

"Hhhhhendriiiiiiiiix," Kili said slowly, slurring but trying hard not to.

"No he wasn’t," Gandalf said with a wrinkle of his nose. "Pink Floyd’s David Gilmour was much better."

Kili somehow managed to roll his one unruined eye and Gandalf smiled. Kili’s head shook from side to side, awkward and stiff but definitely moving. Kili hissed Hendrix’s name this time more than slurred but it was still deteriorating.

Gandalf patted Kili on the head. “Begin at the beginning and go on til you come to the end; then stop,” he said. “Let’s see if we can get you something to eat and see how you do from there, shall we?”

Kili watched him closely but nodded after a moment. Gandalf set the tablet down and left his office to see what different meat sources they could feed Kili. It was in the name of science, after all, and much worse had been done in the name of such a thing. Even more…they might be able to reverse—even cure!—the plague because of Kili Durin. Fascinating.


	9. "I shall assume that your silence gives consent." ~ Plato

Kili smiled and pushed Fili down on his bed, a flush high in his tanned and freckled cheeks from the illicit booze they had been drinking. Fili laughed as he bounced, reaching up as Kili climbed into his lap. Kili shined brighter than any star in the sky, his smile more captivating than anything Fili had ever seen. Kili was his whole world and FIli had no problem admitting it. He would do anything for his baby brother; he would live and die, kill and fuck anything if it brought a smile to Kili’s face. He was blessed, just slightly, that it was him Kili wanted Fili to fuck.

Clothes vanished quickly and Kili smiled down at Fili as he waved the tube of lube at him. “I shall assume your silence gives consent?” he asked.

"Assume nothing and take everything," Fili said, grabbing the lube and slicking fingers. He opened Kili up as his brother gasped and moaned, writhing on his fingers and throwing the condom at him. Fili pulled his fingers free and yanked Kili in for a kiss. It took it the slightest bit of coordination between the two of them before Kili was sinking down over his latex covered cock, head tipped back and long hair starting to dread brushing over Fili’s knees as he supported him. Kili rode him hard and fast, both of them desperate for the finale, but neither of them quite willing to get there as fast as they could. Fili kept his hands gripping the wood of Kili’s headboard, not invited to touch and more wanting to just…watch. Watch the way his brother moved. There was nothing quite like it and every time with Kili was different.

It was like a drug, being with Kili, watching him. Kili was his drug. His moon. His air. Everything.

"Fi," Kili groaned, drawing out the sound of his name, his voice low and rough.

"Come for me," Fili begged, letting go of the headboard. One of his hands grasped at one of Kili’s, their fingers linking together as Fili held onto Kili’s hip. Kili reached down with his hand, grabbing his cock and jacking off almost as fast as his hips moved. There was poetry and song in the lines of Kili’s body as his back bowed and he came with a shout. Something so incredibly perfect.

Fili came, almost not even caring, seconds after Kili. Through it all he whispered Kili’s name as he held his hand.


	10. "Words are more treacherous and powerful than we think." ~Sartre

"Words are more treacherous and powerful than we think," Elrond said, watching as Kili tore into two volunteers. 

One was a soccer mom, both of kids and her wife had been taken months before, and the other was a researcher at the Center who had made a foolish mistake and exposed herself to a deadly toxin. One was dying and one wanted to die. It was a perfect feast.

"Words?" Fili asked tiredly from where he was. He sat on the floor of the hallway, watching as Kili killed one first and left the other to sit and wait. 

They had noticed early on that the only food source that had any impact on Kili was fresh or just killed meat. Nothing was better than human but animal--dog, cat, bird, rat--worked fine in a pinch. With the lack of human meat Kili had slowly begun to act like any other zombie out there. To retain his specialness he needed human flesh.

"Words," Elrond agreed. "Learning. The woman, Amelia, she had a masters in education and english. The lab tech, Johanne, had two masters and a doctorate."

Gandalf chewed on the end of his pipe, the thing long since run out of tobacco. "You think learning is the difference."

"Animals cannot reason to the same degree we do," Elrond pointed out.

Gandalf made a soft sound of agreement and watched. Once both humans had been consumed the two scientists watched as flesh grew back on Kili's body and how his appearance went from skeletal hunger machine to barely rotting corpse. He looked like the freshly dead not the dead for months.

"Kili," Fili whispered brokenly.

"Kili," Elrond called through the reinforced glass and plastic doors. "If you were to classify Lacan's mirror theory in any of the schools of criticism what you label it as?"

Fili looked at him. "He's not going to know the answer to that!"

"Psychoanalytical," Kili said, his speech smooth and easy after weeks of it being wrecked and a slur. Keeping up constant meals had apparently repaired his throat and vocal chords. "Can I see Fili now?"

Fili was on his feet, pulling the door open and going to his knees in front of his brother, before either of the other two had processed the request. Fili had gathered Kili into his arms, murmuring something and running a soothing hand over Kili's hair, still long and dreaded. Elrond just made out the word Raven before turning and ignoring them. 

"Words, Gandalf," Elrond said. "Learning. That's the key here."

Gandalf pointed his pipe at the room. "Learning did not save Johanne."

"She was food," Elrond said. "Kili is infected."

"More treacherous and powerful than we think," Gandalf considered. "Yes, let's."


	11. "In all things of nature there is something of the marvelous." ~Aristotle

The world was coming back. Fili watched as a tree that had been nothing more than twigs finally began to grow leaves again. It would take time but things were changing. Somehow they had managed to come out of the darkness and see nothing more than the light.

"Fi," Kili said from behind him. "Why are you looking at the trees?"

Fili turned and smiled at his brother. His whole brother. Kili was gorgeous, his skin a healthy tan with both his eyes and actual flesh on his face and body. His hair was cut short--shorter than Kili had ever had it before--but was growing back into the long strands Kili had always loved having. He looked better than he ever had, healthy and alert with something just the slightest bit changed that Fili couldn't put his finger on.

"Everything's healing," Fili said. "Look, there's buds and leaves."

Kili came over to look, reaching up to touch one of the buds. "In all things of nature there is something of the marvelous," he said. "I would never have thought we could recover."

"Of course we can recover," Fili said, snagging Kili by the waist and pulling him close. "Because you gave us the chance to recover."

Kili laughed. "I kind of wish Thorin was alive so I could rub his nose in it."

"Rub his nose in what?" Fili asked, rubbing his own nose against Kili's neck.

Kili reached up, scratching idly at Fili's scalp. "He hated all the drugs I took but it's because of them that we've all got another chance."

Fili grinned and tugged Kili in for a kiss. "I love you," he said softly.

"I love you too," Kili said.


	12. "Compared to what we ought to be, we are half awake." ~William James

Kili wove as he walked. It wasn't quite the shuffle of the other undead but nor was it the steady walk of the living. He was caught somewhere between, his mind working at a faster pace than it had ever been before but his body decaying more and more each day. He didn't know how much longer he could hold himself together. 

He looked around, fighting to keep hold of his mind, and found himself in a library. He supposed it made sense, a library inside a science compound, and looked at the shelves. Words blurred and his head hurt. He knew how to read. He remembered reading when he was alive, when he was younger. He hadn't done a lot of reading since high school. Fili had been gone and he'd been alone except when Fili came home--which was fairly often--but he'd gotten in with the wrong people. Drugs were his choice for a while. Anything he could snort or inject or ingest he took, sure that there was some magical compound or combination that would make everything right again.

His idea of reading lately had been skin mags and Twitter posts. Nice, short, with pictures. He didn't want to spend time bothering with words. 

Now all he had as words and no way to express them.

He reached out clumsily and knocked a book off the shelf. It fell to the floor with a thunk, hitting the spine and falling open. Kili tried to kneel down and ended up sprawled on the floor. He needed to feed soon. He looked at the book with its creamy white, yellowing pages and it's sharp, black ink. Kili raised a hand and laid it on the page, his skin slowly starting to fall away from his bones. 

"Compared to what we ought to be, we are half awake," Kili said slowly. 

Never truer a statement had he ever seen before.


	13. "The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it." ~Marcus Aurelius

Kili closed his eye, letting the dark close over him. He didn't sleep, not like Fili and the others did. His mind would blank and he'd stand there doing nothing but staring into the abyss. They'd fed him earlier, giving him the sick and dying, never the healthy. Kili ate them since it meant he wouldn't hurt Fili but he didn't think he could stomach another defiled meal.

He let his mind drift. He remembered something else from the book he read earlier. The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it. He wished it was true.

Where would he be now if the world hadn't imploded?

He would have left school, that much was obvious, but past that? He probably would have moved in with Fili. They'd get a nice house in the woods, two dogs--big golden retrievers or German shepherds--or maybe dogs and cats, acres of land to do with whatever they wanted. Oh, and a lake, or a river. Isolated. Just them so they could pretend the world didn't exist and that they could be whoever and whatever they wanted to be.

Fili would do his teaching thing, probably at the local college--they could move somewhere with a good school and a tenure track--and Kili... Kili would...

Kili closed his eye, feeling the daydream vanish like rainbows and summer rain.

There wasn't a whole lot he was good at but there must be something he could do. He liked animals, maybe something with them? They were calming.

Yes, maybe he'd work at the shelter, helping with strays. Fili would work at the college and he'd work with strays. Maybe he could even pick the guitar up again. He'd always loved playing it when he was younger, before Things Happened.

Our life is what our thoughts make it.

Kili slipped back into his little make believe world.

He and Fili... Kili smiled. They'd have a big bed with a sturdy frame, lots of pillows and blankets. It would be the best bed, the kind you never wanted to leave because it was so comfortable. They would spend so much time there that they'd put a TV in the bedroom, maybe a game console. They'd have dinners and be cozy and the world could ignore them and their incest. That was all he wanted; him and Fili, together, alone.


	14. "Every parting gives a foretaste of death, every reunion a hint of the resurrection." ~Schopenhauer

Kili waited until Fili was asleep. He watched him, the way Fili curled up under the blankets, arm outstretched as if reaching for someone, as if he were reaching for Kili. Even after what had happened he still reached for Kili. Even after...

Kili leaned down and brushed his lips against Fili's forehead. His brother shifted in his sleep and Kili flinched away, waiting, but Fili stayed asleep. Kili wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed next to him but he couldn't he...he couldn't trust himself.

He had almost attacked Fili earlier. He had wanted to eat him. He almost had. Kili shuddered and made his way quietly out of Fili's room. He stopped as Gandalf appeared out of the dark hall.

"Ah, Kili. Just who I was looking for," Gandalf said. "Come with me." Kili flinched back and took a step back. Gandalf sighed, puffing on his pipe. "I simply want to talk to you about your options. Elrond and I think we might have found a cure."

:::

Kili was not expecting the hug he got. He was, however, expecting the punch to the face. He lay sprawled on the ground, rubbing his jaw, and staring up at Fili.

"You leave me again and I'm going to hurt you," Fili said. He was flushed and his blond hair was longer and twisted into a braid.

"My jaw hurts," Kili said. He stayed on the ground, watching Fili warily.

"You deserve it!" Fili snapped. "Fucking hell, Ki, I thought you'd lost it and they'd killed you and wouldn't tell me!"

"I almost did lose it," Kili said, getting to his feet. "I was going to leave but Gandalf said they'd found a cure but didn't know if it would work."

"You should have told me!"

Kili shook his head. "I didn't want you to be there if it went wrong. You deserve--"

"Do not tell me what I deserve," Fili said.

Kili hesitated. "Every parting gives a foretaste of death, every reunion a hint of the resurrection," he said.

Fili started. "What?"

"I didn't want to say goodbye," Kili said. "Better instead you thought I was dead and keep on fighting. Me coming back...its a good thing, Fi. Its such a good thing. We won. Everything is going to be okay."

"The resurrection?" Fili asked.

Kili took a step closer and wrapped his arms around Fili in a hug. "We can save everyone. We have a cure. It works."


	15. "The nobler a man, the harder it is for him to suspect inferiority in others." ~Cicero

Kili hid in one of the labs, shaking and scrapping his teeth over his knee. The flesh there was nearly gone, his teeth doing nothing now but making dents in the bone. He was so hungry. So very, very hungry. He had been so close earlier, so close... He'd had Fili's neck so close to his mouth...

He whined low in his throat and bit down hard on his kneecap. He was so close to losing control and Fili couldn't see it. He was so perfect, so full of everything, the filler of their family's expectations. Kili was nothing.

Fili didn't believe that. Fili thought he was wonderful and could do anything. The nobler a man, the harder it is for him to suspect inferiority in others. And there were none nobler than Fili. Fili was...

He would have to leave. That was all he could do. He would leave and save Fili from him and then, maybe, if he could get cured then he could come back home. Back to Fili.


	16. "It takes all the running you can do just to keep in the same place." ~Lewis Carroll

"C'mere kid," the white man with the green dreads said. "I got something you're gonna like."

Kili hunched his shoulders. "How much?"

"Don't even wanna know whatcha getting?"

Kili shook his head. "Just give it to me."

The man named a price and Kili shoved it at him for the small bag of white powder. Kili grabbed it and shoved it inside his boot under the cuff of his sock with the rest of his money. He'd been caught once by campus police and didn't want to get caught again. That would be too much, even for him. He shuffled down the street, fishing his phone out of the pouch of his sweatshirt, and slamming into another pedestrian.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"Fucking walkers," the man said as he stormed passed.

Kili looked up after him and then down at his phone. Walker. He knew that slang. The drug addicts who hung around downtown and stole stuff with no care for getting caught because they just needed to feed their next fix. Kili looked down at his hands, fingers still curled around his cellphone. He wasn't... Was he?

"Spare some change?" a homeless man with stumps for legs, one above the knee and one with the knee. 

Kili looked at him and shoved his hands in his pockets, digging for change. He didn't find any and reached into his boot to find what was left over from his score. He had fives and singles but took out the five to give to the man.

"It takes all the running you can do just to keep in the same place," the man said as Kili tucked the five into his battered Dunkin Donuts cup. "You ain't running fast enough."

Kili tried to smile at him. "No one can run all the time."

"You can't stop either."

"Sometimes you just don't have a choice," Kili said.


	17. "He that does good to another does good also to himself." ~Seneca

"There is a man," Gandalf said, "an old friend of mine. Radaghast. I think he can help."

"You were supposed to help," Kili said. He watched his fingers regenerate the skin he had lost, the three corpses in the corner the price of his continued survival and sanity. "You were supposed to be the cure."

Elrond and Gandalf exchanged looks before Gandalf spoke. "We have half of a thought. Radaghast and those he works with have another half of a thought."

"Half and half and half again," Kili muttered.

"There is another like you," Elrond said. "He is with Radaghast and Thranduil."

Kili looked up at the name. "Thranduil."

Gandalf coughed into one hand. "Yes. I know that your uncle had...issues with the man but this is our best chance."

"Thorin's dead," Kili said. "Why split hairs now."

"His son, Legolas, is...similar to you in so far as that he also has kept his sanity by eating. His skin regenerates, his is coherent, and having both of you in the same place at once would make synthesizing a cure easier and faster."

"You would be able to come back to Fili sooner," Elrond added.

"You'll keep him here?" Kili asked. "You won't let him follow me?"

"We will keep him busy," Elrond assured.

"He that does good to another does good also to himself," Kili said. "I need all the karma points I can get."

"It might have been your previous lifestyle that attributed to your current sanity," Gandalf suggested.

"I doubt that," Kili said. "Or there would be a lot more sane zombies." Elrond smiled. "When do I leave?"


	18. "The less men think, the more they talk." ~Montesquieu

"What's wrong with you?" Thorin demanded, grabbing Kili by the arm and giving him a little shake. In his other hand he held Kili's weed stash, a plastic baggy with a decent amount in it; he'd just gotten it before he came home.

Kili didn't respond, knowing better by now, and let Thorin shake him. Thorin would eventually get disgusted enough that he'd stop yelling and leave him alone.

"Fili never put us through all of this," Thorin said as he pushed Kili away.

"I'm not Fili," Kili said. That was shorter than usual, only five minutes. Thorin used to go on for hours but he'd slowly been shorter. Maybe he was as tired with the whole situation as Kili.

"No you're not," Thorin said. He stuck the bag of weed in his back pocket. "What did we do wrong?"

"Let me live?" Kili suggested. "That's all on you. Gimme my weed back."

"No," Thorin said. "You could do with a lot less drugs and if you're going to be on this ranch then you're going to go without."

"Fine, I'll leave," Kili said.

"And go where?" Thorin asked. He had that smug look on his face that made Kili want to claw his face off. "You have no friends, no job, no money, and no license. You're a seventeen-year-old fuck up. Where the hell are you going to go?"

Kili's eyes narrowed. Fuck but he wanted to punch him. "I can go stay with Fili."

"You wanna screw his life up as much as you have yours?" Thorin demanded. "Stay away from your brother, let him live his own life without having to clean up your messes."

"Fili loves me," Kili said. "Which is more than I say about any of you."

Thorin sneered at him. "Yes, that's the problem, isn't it? Your problem. Fili loves you but you love him differently." Kili felt like his blood had turned to ice in his veins. "The less men think, the more they talk. That's all you have ever been, someone who talks and talks and never listens. Leave your brother alone."

Kili watched as Thorin turned and walked away. He rubbed the inside of his left elbow, feeling his veins and wishing desperately that he could find something to lose himself in. That maybe he could do something that would ease the longing, the need that crawled under his skin. He wanted Fili.


	19. "Love takes up where knowledge leaves off." ~Saint Thomas Aquinas

Kili as on the deck, looking out over the vast expanse of trees. There were pines and oaks and other trees he couldn't name but it was green and lush and perfect. There were places in the world that hadn't been touched by the virus and then there were places that had been completely annihilated. Here, though, he and Fili had found a home. With the human population so greatly reduced no one cared who took what so long as the original owners were nowhere to be found.

They hadn't had to worry about the owners of this place showing up, not with the blood they'd had to scrub out of the kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom. The small family had obviously been the meal for someone and, if turned, most of those too far gone and simply died once the cure started taking effect.

Kili started as arms wrapped around him from behind. "You look like you're thinking awfully hard," Fili said, nuzzling his neck. Kili smiled and relaxed as he leaned into Fili. "Want to share?"

"I'm good like this," Kili said. "It's nice. Perfect, actually."

"It is, isn't it?" Fili said, turning his head and kissing the closest bit of Kili he could--his temple. "It's nice and quiet, secluded, green. Maybe we can get a dog later."

Kili smiled, remembering vaguely the daydreams he used to have. "There's a lake down there."

"I was down there earlier. It's just warm enough for swimming," Fili offered.

"No shorts," Kili said.

"Fuck that, this is ours now," Fili said. "I vote skinny dipping."

Kili straightened and turned, kissing Fili slowly. "You want to fuck me on the dock, don't you?"

"You know me so well," Fili teased, hands going to Kili's hips and tugging him in closer.

"Love take up where knowledge leaves off," Kili said. "We know each other so well because we love each other."

Fili pulled Kili in for another kiss, his hand curving around the side of Kili's neck, giving him a quick squeeze and rubbing his fingers along the edge of Kili's hairline. "Of course we love each other," Fili said. "There was never once any sort of doubt that I did not."

Kili hummed happily. "Why are you so perfect?"

"Karma," Fili said with a shrug and a smile.


	20. "Whoso loves believes the impossible." ~ Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Kili sat in a corner of the porch. It was a screened in porch, one of those old ones that you would imagine from some New England cottage. The view let out into a wide forest where there were animals, honest to god animals, not ones that had turned rabid with the plague. There was a warren of rabbits chewing on grass while birds fluttered around and chirped.

Kili wanted to know kind of sorcery had blocked the plague from this little corner of Eden.

"You can take away everything but you can't take away my heart," Legolas said.

Kili looked behind him at the other zombie and then back out at the animals.

"We're the heart," Legolas said.

"Sucks to be us," Kili said. "I need food."

"I miss food," Legolas said. "Blueberries. I loved it."

Kili traced the screen with his fingers. "Apples," he said. "My brother took me picking once."

"They will cure us," Legolas said. "We're the heart. We are all they need."

"Hearts are useless," Kili said. "Stupid organs that do nothing but keep people alive. Its all in the brain, you know. Love. Whoso loves believes the impossible."

Legolas looked at him curiously. "You love."

"Don't you?"

"Never have," Legolas said. "Never thought I'd need to."

"The Fool," Kili said with a sigh, wind rattling through his rib cage and decaying lungs. "The Fool and The Devil, that's what we are."

"Major Arcana?" asked a redheaded woman from the door. "That certainly is a way to look at things."

"Tauriel," Legolas said, his head turning and cracking on his neck as it turned far more than a normal skull should be allowed to move. There was a smile on the blond's broken face.

"You have a mind on you, don't you?" Tauriel asked.

"Too much of one," Kili said. "Doesn't stop."

Tauriel smiled and sat down, stroking Legolas's hair. Kili looked away, wishing Fili was there.


	21. "From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate." ~Socrates

Their dad died during summer vacation. They had gone hiking, the three of them, wanting to see the caverns and the underground rivers. There had been a rock slide and Kili and their dad had gotten stuck. Fili had run to get help while their dad had talked Kili through the pain and terror. Kili had been badly hurt in the slide, arm broken, a leg broken in three places, multiple ribs, and a bad concussion. Their dad, though, had a slow bleeding gut wound.

They got Kili out but their dad never made it.

Thorin had been the closest thing to a father that Kili had known since that. Kili had been all of six when their dad had died. Thorin was the one who picked him up from school with Fili, who took him to soccer games, who took care of them when their mom was busy. Thorin was proud of them and showed them off. He would say that they were his boys.

Then Kili started to fuck up. He wanted attention and he needed someone to pay attention JUST to him. Fili was the one who got all the attention. Fili who was raised up on the pedestal while Kili sank down to the bottom of the gutter. All he did was make mistakes and everyone turned from him. Thorin hated him, couldn't even look him in the eye. They shipped him away to school, keeping him away from Fili, grinding him into the dust. He wanted so much and so badly that he started to hate what he couldn't have.

He couldn't have his father and he couldn't have his uncle--or even his other uncle. He couldn't have anyone.

But he did have Fili. Fili, the only one that truly mattered, who loved him. If anyone ever found out it would be Kili they would hate, not Fili. Kili would always be the failure.


	22. "There's more to the truth than just the facts." ~Unknown

There was a leak at one of the life science centers in Boston. That's how it all started: a leak. One safety precaution that had never been adhered to. All that needed to happen to stop such a devastating plague was to have checked one valve. One valve. 

Instead the valve was open and there was a leak. The leak sank into the ground, deep, deep into the ground and it met the water table. The water table spread the leak to all the major water supplies in the state and began to spread down the coasts, evolving, until it hit New Jersey. From there it evolved into what the plague the decimated the world.

The facts that had been released after the initial leak was that the valve had been closed. HAZMAT had cleared the Life Science Center of Boston University and reopened the campus. There was nothing to worry about. That had been a fact. There was, however, so much more to the truth. In two weeks the first of the infected began to show symptoms and the dead began to rise. They began to feast and hunt and the plague stretched forth not just to kill the Sons of Adam and the Daughters of Eve but to kill the whole of the Earth as well.

One valve. That's all it took to destroy the world.


	23. "The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer." ~Edward R. Murrow

Kili stared at Fili in shock, his brother's hands on his face.

"I. Kili," Fili tried, his hands shaking.

"You kissed me," Kili whispered.

"Yes," Fili said, dropping his hands. "Sorry. Just, you--I. This." Fili turned, running his hand through his short blond hair. "No, you know what. Yes, I did kiss you."

Kili licked his lips, still looking at Fili in shock. "W-why did you kiss me?"

Fili turned back, reaching out and pulling Kili in to kiss him again, hi fingers curled into Kili's jaw. They stood there, Kili trembling against his brother--his perfect brother who maybe wasn't so perfect after all--and Fili holding on almost too tight. Kili protested softly when Fili broke the kiss, both of them panting for air.

"Why didn't you stop me?" Fili asked.

Kili reached out, pulling Fili in, the two of them fitting against the other comfortably as they both settled into the spaces and angles. They were one whole, unfinished by themselves and utterly at one when together. Kili nuzzled in against Fili's neck and breathed him in.

"I love you," Fili said. "I thought you knew that."

"I do," Kili said softly, his lips brushing the stubbled skin of Fili's jaw.

"You know how they say that sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees? Like the obvious is so obvious that you can't see it?" Fili asked. Kili nodded, still unwilling to move away. "Well, I thought it was obvious that I loved you, no matter what. Guess it wasn't, hunh? Else you wouldn't be so unhappy."

Kili hesitated. "Fili..."

"You and me, we're the ones who matter," Fili said, slowly pulling away from Kili to look him in the eyes. "You. Me. Together. No matter what, you have me and I have you. No matter what Thorin says."

"But--"

"I love you. I'm proud of you." Fili reached out and ruffled Kili's hair, making the long strands tangle and poof. Kili tried to swat him away half-heartedly. "We are all that matter."

"Fili--"

"The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer," Fili said, tapping Kili's nose. "My love for you is obvious."

"So what's obscure?" Kili asked, giving in and letting Fili tug him in for another kiss, letting the warmth of his brother's mouth and love warm him in places long since gone cold.

"Who knows," Fili said with a chuckle. "It's obscure right now, isn't it?"


	24. "A thousand words will not leave so deep an impression as one deed." ~ Henrik Ibsen

Kili looked at the naked man in the brown robe. His hair was crazy and knotted and he reeked. Even Kili with his zombie senses--senses that told him to wallow in the decay and decomposition of a body, to eat the rot and swell--couldn't take the stench and backed into a corner away from the man. He curled in on himself, eye closed tight as he chewed on his knee. Too much. Too much.

"How many times...?" came the disgusted sigh. "Radaghast, go put some clothes on and clean that animal crap off."

There were hands pulling Kili to his feet, manhandling him until he was uncurled. The man before him was tall and blond with a stern look on his face. He was dressed in a sharp suit and looked like everything a rich society person should look.

"I am Thranduil," the man said. "I am Legolas's father. I am here to help you."

Kili blinked. "Thiiiiiief," he managed to hiss.

Thranduil looked surprised as he let go of Kili. "Excuse me?"

Kili let himself fall to the ground. Thranduil. He knew that name. It was the name of the CEO who had been buying up land to make some sort of casino near their ranch. There had been rumors of dirty business and bribes but no one had ever been able to prove anything.

Kili skittered back to his corner.

"You've scared him," Radaghast admonished as he came over to squat down in front of Kili. "Now, come with me, Mr Durin, and we will work on your cure."

"Ah, Durin. Now it all makes sense. I tried to buy your land," Thranduil said. "It was years ago and another lifetime. We should forget and make amends."

"A thousand words will not leave so deep an impression as one deed," Kili said.

Thranduil looked displeased as Radaghast tugged Kili to his feet and they left the room. This was not going to be pleasant if Kili had to interact with Thranduil Woods.


	25. "God is dead." ~Nietzsche

The newspapers lay strewn across the park, splattered in blood and other bodily fluids. The stark white paper held line of crisp black ink with first-hand accounts of the uprising with back and white pixelated pictures of the dead rising from their graves and walking about. Local papers mixed in with the pink pages of financial pages and the larger white of national newspapers. All of the nation--all over the world--people were being infected, dying, and yet still living.

Stapled to telephone poles and trees were Have You Seen This Person flyers and support group flyers. Everything posted before the outbreak became serious. Going further into towns will show nothing but destruction. Shops with broken windows and burned facades, doors broken down and fire escapes pulled down; it looks like a mob tore through. There are some dead bodies--not many because the zombies will eat anything, even their own--and random body parts from being shot off. Graffiti covers whatever hasn't been broken or set on fire.

Red spray paint across the police station declares GOD IS DEAD.

The elementary school doors are chained shut. There are black Xs sprayed around the doors. The Fire Department was burned down but what remained of the doors says something about DOGS. Arrows are painted along the streets and sidewalks warn people where not to go, where food might be had, where weapons have been stashed.

All over the world there are signs and words and chants: God is dead. God is dead.

God is dead.


	26. "If a man neglects education, he walks lame to the end of his life." ~Plato

Kili hid in the tree grove, up in the branches, watching the horses graze. He had a beat up old game boy in hand as he played Mario Brothers, the volume down low so he would be less likely to be found. His backpack was three branches above him to be less likely to be found, because if they couldn't see him or it then they would assume he was safely in school where he was supposed to be instead of safely up a tree.

"Get down here," Thorin said from under him.

Kili glanced down and frowned. That was unexpected. Usually it took Thorin a good long while to realize he'd skipped school or cut class. He turned the game boy off and wedged it between two branches. It was one of the few things he enjoyed and he wasn't about to let his overbearing uncle destroy it. He had already run Fili off, what more did he want?

"I'm not going to say it again."

"Why do people say that? Would have been fewer words to just say it again. Saying the phrase don't make me say it again is supposed to be intimidating? A bit seems to be lost in translation," Kili said as he climbed down.

"For someone with such a smart mouth you would think that attending school would be a priority," Thorin said. He had his arms crossed and was looking at Kili tiredly. It wasn't even an angry expression, or one of disgust. It was resigned.

"I don't like school," Kili said. 

"You get good grades when you apply yourself," Thorin said.

"What's the point in applying myself?" Kili asked.

"If a man neglects education, he walks lame to the end of his life," Thorin said. 

"So I walk lame," Kili said. "What do you care?"

"I care--"

"No you don't," Kili said. "No one does. Only Fili did."

"Now you listen here, boy," Thorin said, pointing a finger at Kili's chest. Kili turned and gave a sharp whistle, watching as his horse Sloppy Joe came running for him. He grabbed hold of the gelding's mane and hoisted himself onto the horse's wide back, letting Joe take him away from Thorin. That's all anyone really wanted anymore, for Kili to just go away.


	27. "War is just when it is necessary; arms are permissible when there is no hope except in arms." ~Machiavelli

Fili sat in the armory at the Center and timed himself as he disassembled and reassembled whatever guns he could get his hands on and how long it took him to load the guns as well. He was fast but maybe not fast enough. He still had two machetes but those were up close weapons. He didn't want to have to get up close with any of the undead.

Just in case.

He wanted to go home, back to the ranch, back to being with Kili and human and a land with greenery and horses and peace. He didn't want to be in a war fighting for the survival of humanity. He didn't want to be sitting it the gloom of a candle and trying to see how fast he could try and assemble something to kill people with. He wanted his brother, his peace, his smile. He didn't even care if it was the broken smile he'd grown so accustomed to seeing lately, it was still Kili.

But Kili was gone and he had no hope except in the weapons in his hands.


	28. "Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying." ~Baba Ram Dass

Kili sprawled in the green grass, eyes--both eyes!--wide as he looked at the blank white sky. It wasn't even blue like it was before 

bluebluebluebluebluebluefiliblueblue

the plague. It was white

whitewhitewhitesnowblowcokewhitewhitesnowdaywhitewhiteblank

like clouds and marshmallows that had been whipped through the sky, blocking out everything but the the the the the sight of it above him.

Two eyes. Two of them. Both brown. Not black

blackblackblakccccccckckckckckckcplagueblackblackblaaaackckckckck

they his one eye had been. No, he was healing. His hair and his eyes. He was even looking healthier. Legolas was too. Radaghast was a miracle work

wowowowwhoreworkworkrrrkrkrkrkrkorkwwwworkwhorewhorewhorewworkingwork

er. It would take more time until everything would be put back into place but soon. Soon he could go see Fili

bluebluewhorewhiteknightwhoreknightedwhorebluebluebluesky

and go home. He wanted to go home. He wanted to find a home and be with Fili. Be safe. Be normal. Be happy.

Be

Be

Be

Be

Be

Be

There was something...lurking. Kili could feel it. The lurking. The loops. The breaking. Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. Only he could know what he was saying. His mind was his but not his and things kept breaking looping lurking bluebluebluebluebluebluefiliwhoreblueblueblankwhitewhoreblue. 

Fili

White

Blue

Whore

Blank

White

Whorewhorewhorewhore

Cure.


	29. "Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth." ~Ludwig Börne

"Kili," Fili whispered as he was pushed back onto his bed. They were at Fili's apartment, Kili hiding from Thorin, and Fili working on his assignments for his classes. Kili, though, was much more interested in nonacademic issues, like trying to get Fili out of his pants.

"Please?" Kili asked. "You said we could."

"It's just, I mean--"

Kili leaned down and kissed him. "Fili."

Fili smiled up at him, lips quivering. "Losing an illusion makes you--"

"Shut up," Kili said. He tilted Fili's face up and kissed him. Fili hesitated for a moment before his hands settled on Kili's hips and slid to his ass. They kissed, pressing closer together until Fili fell back against the bed, Kili going with him, as the two of them began to roll around and disrobe each other as they went. This, the kissing, was nothing new. Neither was the loss of clothing.

The feel of Kili's fingers entwined with his, pushing his fingers against his ass. Fili hesitated before pushing a finger inside his little brother. There had been lube when Fili had been distracted by the heat and closeness, the feel of skin and the solitary feel of being shroud by Kili's long hair. Fili kissed Kili, their lips barely brushing, breaths shared, as Fili moved his finger. Kili growled softly and Fili added a second finger, stroking inside Kili. Fili could hear the way Kili responded to his touches but he was more interested in the way Kili felt around his fingers. The heat and feel, the softness and the slick, the tug and grip and all of it served to do no more than make Fili want to roll them over and take, take, take. 

"Fili," Kili murmured.

"I need to--you," Fili said.

"Yes," Kili laughed.

There was the separation and laughter, gasps and movement, until Kili was on his knees in front of Fili and there was lube and pressure. Pants and moans, the two of them sliding together, hands slipping in the light sheen of sweat, as they came together. They wrapped around each other, inelegant and rough, base and rude, desperate in the grasp of their hands and the tightness of their throats. They moved, almost instinctively, Fili's hands pulling Kili against him, clutching, desperate, almost more than either could stand. They fought, climbing to the apex, Kili's head tipped back as he gasped loudly, his back against Fili's chest. They moved, dancing, running, pounding closer and closer to the climax. It almost didn't matter that they have physically spent themselves as much as they were as close together as they could probably ever be without devouring each other.

"Did you lose it?" Kili asked, leaning his head against Fili's as they caught their breath.

"What?"

"Your illusion."

Fili smiled, nuzzling Kili's sweaty neck where his hair stuck to his skin. "I think it just grew."


	30. "Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly." ~Edward Albee

Kili waited for Fili, sitting on his bed and idly petting the blanket there. He was nervous but that was only to be expected. It had almost been a year since he had last seen Fili and that had been a lifetime ago. He was cured now and that was (almost) all that mattered.

The door swung open and Kili tensed, watching as Fili came into the room. He looked exhausted and grumpy, pulling his scarf and the air filter mask off, tossing them both on the dresser. Kili drank him in, waiting and watching, taking in all the changes a year had made. When Fili made to set his machetes aside he finally noticed Kili and froze.

"Hey," Kili whispered.

Fili stared. "...Ki?"

Kili stood up and gave a little twirl.

"You're..."

Kili nodded.

Fili took one step closer, than another, and yanked Kili in close for a tight hug. It was desperate, the way Fili clung to him, but Kili didn't mind. They held each other, hands occasionally roaming to check some part of the other, staying locked together in an embrace for far longer than was seemly.

"I'm so sorry," Kili whispered. "I should have told you I was leaving."

"What happened?" Fili demanded, his fingers digging into the flesh under Kili's shoulder blades.

"I almost ate you," Kili admitted. "I couldn't let myself do that."

"You didn't have to do it alone," Fili said. "You should have told me, let me help you."

"And risk attacking you?" Kili asked, burying his face against Fili's neck and breathing him in. "I had to. Maybe I did it the wrong way but it worked. I'm here, I'm alive, I'm cured."

"I thought you were dead," Fili said, voice breaking.

"There's only so many times I can say I'm sorry," Kili said.

Fili moved them, sitting down on the bed and pulling Kili against his side. "Was it worth it? Besides getting cured."

Kili wrapped his long limbs around Fili's shorter ones. "You remember Edward Albee? Playwright. Loved him before, though I might not have mentioned it. He was hysterical. Wrote a play about being in love with a goat, how the American dream is a lie, so on and so forth. Anyway. He said once that sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly. I think...I think I had to do it myself, to get cured like it did, without you, because... Fuck. I don't know. I just. I know, okay?"

Fili coughed. "You know, all you had to say was yes or no. But it's good to see that you're the same as ever."

"Well, same as I was as a zombie," Kili said. "You didn't like me on drugs."

"But I never stopped loving you."

"No, you didn't," Kili murmured, moving and squirming until he was straddling Fili's hips. "So show me how much you love me now."


	31. "No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head." ~Terry Josephson

Kili gasped, backing into a corner, feeling like he was having a bad trip. The world was swirling in different colors and there was this giant eagle. A giant eagle that was trying to eat him, claws out stretched. Kili squatted down, making himself as small as possible as he started screaming. He felt claws--hands--grabbing him and pull him out of the corner. He felt the prick of the talons, ripping his arm to shreds, dragging him out of the room and up in the air.

He felt lighter than air, the eagle vanishing and leaving Kili flying higher and higher with no control over his ascent. He was turning colors, his flesh swelling and bursting and swelling and bursting and he cried for Fili. He wanted Fili, he needed him, why did he leave him? He wanted Fili so bad his body ached. He wanted to hold him, be held, kiss and be kissed, breathe and be breathed. 

"His body is regenerating better."

"He's freaking out! We should stop."

"We could find this Fili."

"No, he said not to. He doesn't want to chance hurting him."

"He may not live through this."

"They're already dead, Thranduil. We already know what a long shot this is."

"If I want you opinion, Tauriel, I'll ask for it."

"He's still regenerating."

Kili struggled and felt himself be restrained. Captive. He was being held captive just like his dreams. A dungeon, a jail, claws, laughing faces, jeers, freak show. He was nothing but a freak, trapped in a cage, a sideshow to the circus. Twisted and deformed, nothing could change that. His insides matched his outsides, ugly and selfish, dumb, stupid boy. No good for anything, why can't you be more like your brother.

Brother.

Angel.

Golden angel.

Blinding smile.

Fili.

Perfect angelic Fili with his smile and his hair and his loving heart.

Kili was the demon, twisted and deformed with tattered wings and horns and fangs and suitable for nothing but to burn for eternity.

"He's seizing."

"Get something in his mouth!"

"No, wait. Watch."

"Is it...?"

Kili's vision went black and turned...green. Nothing but green grass and trees and pastures. Green as far as the eye could see with bright blue sky.

"Now then, isn't this better?"

Kili looked to his left and saw a short man with brown curly hair and bare feet.

"You live in your head," the man said. "Casting yourself as evil before you even give someone a chance."

"Who?"

The man smiled. "You are not so demonic that you cannot be saved. No one is beyond being saved."

"Are you?"

"Sit with me," the man said. He was sitting, legs crossed as he leaned back, a long pipe in his mouth. "Smoke with me."

"I can't--"

"It's tobacco," the man said. "I cure it myself. Nothing unnatural in it."

"The worst things for you are natural."

Kili sat in the green green green green green green green grass.

"No matter where you go or what you do, you live your entire life within the confines of your head," the curly haired man said. "Do you know what that means?"

"Means you better like yourself or you're fucked."

A smile. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"Are you?"

"Am I?"

"Fucked."


	32. "Knock on the sky and listen to the sound." ~Zen Saying

Kili lay back on the couch, listening to the others around him, the needle dangling from his other hand. He closed his eyes, the sound of the party washing over him as his head began to swim. It felt so good, being disconnected from everything, from his body. He could forget everything that had happened and just be.

He felt everything around him pulsing green and blue and purple and yellow and such gorgeous colors and streams of light and particles and everything around him was brighter and better and utterly freeing.

He was flying with the colors, the colors lifting him up and swirling around him, dancing with him. There were clouds, thick and white and drifting through his fingers as he twirled around them, dancing with the colors to music only he could hear. He hummed as he flee higher and higher, blue blue blue blue blue blue blue blue giving way to dark dark dark dark dark with bright stars.

He closed his eyes, flying through the ionosphere, feeling himself become part of the universe, part of the aurora. He reached out, his hands fisted loosely, flopping back and forth, absently knocking. He heard singing, and sound, and it lifted his soul as it depressed his heart.

He heard Fili's voice.


	33. "By daily dying I have come to be." ~Theodore Roethke

Fili packed his car, trying not to pay attention to the way Kili was folded in on himself on the side of the driveway. He put in the last box and then carefully arranged his printer on top of the pile, strapping it to the end table Frerin had made him.

"Can't I come with you?" Kili asked softly.

Fili shut the truck, the loud sound of it snapping shut making them both flinch. "Kili, we talked about this."

"Please," Kili whispered. "Don't leave me with them."

Fili kept his back to Kili, jiggling his keys in his hand. "Don't do this, not now," he said. "I have to leave."

"I can transfer high schools, take my senior year wherever you go," Kili said. "You delayed college until now, what's ten months?"

"I deferred because uncle needed me on the ranch," Fili said. "Because. Because... Just. Look. I can't do this anymore, Ki."

"Because of me?"

Fili rubbed his thumb along the edge of his car keys. "Because of everything."

"Fili," Kili whispered. "Please."

Fili turned and opened the driver side door and got in. "I can't. You can't."

He started the car, jamming the key in the ignition and trying to breathe past the pit in his throat, trying not to watch as Kili folded even further in on himself, his face hidden by his knees. It didn't matter anymore, none of it did. If he didn't leave then he never would and it would be horrible for the both of them. He had to leave. He had to cut Kili off like a rotting limb that would kill him if he didn't amputate it. He could only come to be himself by dying a little inside every day he was away from Kili.


	34. Philosophy is life's dry-nurse, who can take care of us, but not suckle us. ~Soren Kierkegaard

"Can I ask you a question?" Fili asked as they lay on a blanket by the lake, watching the stars. They had already made love twice, the remains of their earlier picnic still slightly scattered about. Kili was sprawled on Fili, his head on his chest, listening to Fili's heart. Fili was gently petting Kili's long hair, his other arm folded under his head. Kili hummed assent and opened his eyes, shifting to look up at Fili. "You still quote and ramble about philosophy to yourself and other random things. Stuff I know you didn't know about before."

Kili shifted, pushing himself onto Fili's lap and leaning down to kiss him. "Do you have a problem with it?"

"None," Fili said, his hands going down to bracket Kili's hips. "Just curious."

"Wanting to make sure it is actually all gone?"

"That too."

Kili leaned down to kiss him. "Philosophy is life's dry-nurse, who can take care of us, but not suckle us," he said. "Once learned it cannot be unlearned. It fed me, sustained me, for more than a year. I am changed, Fili, but I am still me. It kept me safe, kept me sane, and kept me alive for you."

Fili reached up and pulled Kili into a kiss, the younger's long hair curtaining them from the rest of the world. "You are perfect."

"Perfection is over rated," Kili said. "Let me be flawed."


	35. Men are probably nearer the central truth in their superstitions than in their science. ~Henry David Thoreau

Hivemind of the zombies, how they are closer to what man really is

It shuffled slowly through the wreckage of the town square. It held a briefcase and had a ripped and bloody tie hanging loosely from its destroyed neck. There were other zombies with him, all of them moving in the same direction. Not all of them were dressed for work, not all of them were functional or whole enough, but they all headed in the same vague direction.

They were a pack. A school. A hive. A flock. A crowd. There were no words for what they were. They were zombie. For all that they were dead and rotting and retained nothing of who they once were they were still, at their metaphorical heart, human. Dumb and hungry and nothing more than a seething mass of society's basest impulses.

They all turned as one, noses in the air, mouths gaping wide and scenting the air.

Flesh.

Meat.

Food.

They moved, shuffling, creeping, some crawling, tumbling together toward the food. They would feast as one.


	36. If you think you're free, there's no escape possible. ~Ram Dass

Kili was wedged in his favorite tree, idly smoking a joint. Fili was climbing up the tree, settling himself next to Kili. The two sat in silence, passing the joint back and forth as they slowly got high.

"I told uncle and mother to go to hell," Fili said. "I'm gonna take you with me when I leave."

"Yeah?" Kili asked, catching his breath as he turned to look at Fili. "You mean that?"

"I told them," Fili said, reaching out to pull Kili in for a kiss. "About us. I'd die before I let them separate us."

Kili half threw himself from his branch to Fili's and plastered himself against his brother. Fili laughed, the joint falling down to the ground as they held each other.

"I love you," Fili said. "No one can stop me from doing that. Or keeping you with me."

Kili smiled, leaning in to kiss Fili... Only to fall through the tree and down down down down down down to the green green green green...

"Didn't you know, my dear? There is no way out. There is no escape."

Kili looked up at the short man with the curly hair. He looked familiar in that fuzzy way that meant you knew someone but couldn't quite place him. The man held out an apple and Kili took it after a beat of hesitation.

"No escape?" he asked as he bit into the apple.

"None," the man said with a gesture.

Kili looked down at the apple and gagged, spitting out what he could as he dropped the fruit to the ground. It had warped until it resembled the skull a baby, small and rotted, maggots and worms wiggling through its orifices. He choked and tried to spit out what had been in his mouth.

"No escape."

Kili woke with a howl. He flailed his way free of Legolas and bolted out of the compound and through the woods. He ran until he found a human and let himself fade behind the hunger and need, the urge and the fear.

No escape.

No escape.

There will never be an escape for him.


	37. To learn something new, take the path that you took yesterday. ~John Burroughs

"It's funny, you know?" Tauriel said, picking at the grass as she lay on her back while Legolas braided her hair. Kili was running his hands over the bark of a tree, reveling in the simple feel of roughness under his hands. He was very fond of physical sensations now that he seemed to have an actual body again. 

"What is?" Kili asked, looking at her as he leaved in to rub his cheek against the bark.

"You two," Tauriel said. "You remember and retain everything that happened to you. The others we've cured remember nothing."

"You can't always get what you want," Legolas said.

"No, you get what you need," Kili said. "We're cured. Nothing else matters."

"Never cared for what they do, never cared for what they know," Legolas said. He leaned in and brushed a kiss over Tauriel's forehead.

"Metallica does not go along with The Rolling Stones," Tauriel said with a wrinkle of her nose. "And I would never have thought you'd quote songs, Kili."

Kili shrugged. "To learn something new, take the path that you took yesterday."

Tauriel smiled at him as Legolas made faces at him. "You've come a long way."

"I remember," Kili said. "Like you said. I remember everything from me, from them...it's. It's full in my head but Radaghast said it should start to filter out later. Things my brain can't hold onto."

"Well, we'll keep you here until you're better," Tauriel said.

Kili nodded though he had his own doubts about ever really being better. He remembered it all. How could one become better from that?


	38. Each forward step we take we leave some phantom of ourselves behind. ~John Lancaster Spalding

"Do you have someone waiting for you?" Tauriel asked, gently braiding what was left of Kili's hair. "For...after?"

Kili stopped clawing at his ankle and turned his head, looking at Tauriel with his good eye. "After?"

"Someone you love," Tauriel said.

Kili nodded jerkily and went back to ripping the skin and muscles and ligaments and everything he could off his ankle. He wanted bone, wanted to break and crush and destroy. He was so hungry, feeing something clawing at his stomach and throat, but the urge to eat was not there. It was phantom pain, something that clawed at him under his ribs, demanding his attention. It was still there even if he didn't need to eat.

"Tell me about them," Tauriel said.

"F-f-f-f-f-fili," Kili stuttered, his hands going to his ribs. "Mine."

"Yours?" Tauriel asked.

"Love," Kili said.

"Love save the empty," Legolas hummed. "Save me."

"Who is Fili, besides yours?" Tauriel asked.

"Each forward step we take we leave some phantom of ourselves behind," Kili said. "I'm his, his phantom."

Legolas reached out, pulling Kili down to the soft, fragrant grass. Kili let the blond push and pull at him as they lay together while Tauriel laughed.


	39. What deep wounds ever closed without a scar? ~Lord Byron

"Lori?" Fili asked, tossing his keys and wallet on the kitchen table. "Babe, you home?"

"Bathroom," Lori called out. "Can you help me with this?"

Fili smiled and headed over, pushing the half-closed door open. He stopped and stared at the amount of blood on Lori and in the sink, the bloody towels discarded on the floor. "Lori?" he asked, voice weak and unsure.

"I got attacked," Lori said, nudging some of her red hair out of her face with her shoulder and bicep since her hands were busy holding a towel to her ripped up forearm. "I was just picking up some things for dinner and this guy attacked me in the parking lot. Took a chunk out of me."

Fili grabbed the bottle of hydrogen peroxide and pulled the towel away from Lori's wound. "Why the hell didn't you go to the hospital?"

"Tried calling for an ambulance but the line was busy. Every emergency line is busy. I drove home and figured I'd take care of it myself."

Fili pulled her arm over the sink and up ended the bottle over the wound. Lori hissed, trying to pull free as her arm bubbled up white. The skin cleared of blood was slowly being streaked black. Lori looked down at her arm before looking up at Fili with panicked eyes.

"What is that?" Lori asked.

Fili shook his head. "I don't know."

They bound her wound and curled up on the couch, watching the black lines.

"Fili, I don't feel so good," Lori said.

Fili frowned, pressing a hand to Lori's forehead. It was cold and clammy and her eyes--a warm, liquid brown, just like--were bloodshot. "Lori, sweetie, you don't look good either."

Lori leaned against him and whined low in her throat before she went still against him. Fili looked down, heart in his throat, as he checked her pulse. 

There was none.

Fili swallowed and slowly eased himself away from his now dead girlfriend. He ran a hand through his hair as he stood, biting his lip and looking around helplessly. He dug in his pocket for his phone and hesitated before dialing 911.

He didn't get very far, though, as Lori made a desperate wail and launched herself at him. Fili shouted in surprise, fighting to get away. Lori's mouth was open wider than was humanly possible, hissing hungrily, something black and foul dripping from her mouth. Fili tried to kick her off before grabbing at things and bashing at her with them. Finally he got free, locking himself in the basement and waiting until she left.


	40. Extreme remedies are very appropriate for extreme diseases. ~Hippocrates

"It's smoking," Kili said as he stared at the beaker in Radaghast's hand. It was, indeed, smoking a weird green smoke while the liquid inside looked like spent motor oil. For all he knew it actually was spent motor oil. Radaghast was odd like that.

"Extreme remedies are very appropriate for extreme diseases," Radaghast said. He was, for once, clothed, and looked very earnest. "Drink it."

Kili reached out, his arm more bone than flesh, bony fingers clacking against the glass. It took effort to hold the beaker and even more effort to bring it to his mouth and swallow it. It burned as it went down and Kili could smell his own flesh cooking. He dropped the beaker and started clawing at his body, trying to get the liquid out of himself. He could hear himself howling and felt the impact of his body hitting the floor before he knew nothing else.


	41. Tomorrow always comes, and today is never yesterday. ~S.A.Sachs

The world was slowly coming back from the blight of the biologic plague. Areas that had been drained of all life were slowly growing back green and lush. Cities that had been decimated were tearing down the gutted buildings and using the remnants to build new things, new homes. Farms started to grow food again. 

The plague was over. The zombies gone and in their wake only humans with horrible memories, waking as if from a dream.

Humanity was slowly reclaiming what had been lost; fear was replaced with hope and determination. Life was starting to go on again. Love was slowly being rediscovered and celebrated. People built their lives and families, believing that the worst was behind them and that everything would be better now. Now that it was all over.

Tomorrow always comes, and today is never yesterday. 

The End.


	42. "Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education." ~Bertrand Russell

"You are going to college and that is the end of the discussion," Thorin said, slamming his hands down on the kitchen table. Dis jumped slightly from where she was doing the dishes but kept her back turned to her son and brother. Kili couldn't help hating her slightly for her lack of protection but that was how it had always been. Fili was the only son anyone wanted to even acknowledge. Kili was the one they were ashamed of, after all.

"What college will take me?" Kili asked, arms crossed. "I've got one of the worst GPAs and I only graduated because you're buddies with the administration."

"It takes skill to fail as spectacularly as you have," Thorin said, baring his teeth in a mockery of a smile. "You have a brain, you just refuse to put it toward any use."

"And you're going to make me use it?"

"I'm giving you carte blanche to choose whatever major you want," Thorin said. "You can do whatever the hell you want but you are going to college and you are getting your degree in something. Hell, get your degree in rhythmic dancing for all I care, just get a goddamned degree."

 

"You know, I read something somewhere," Kili said.

 

"You read now?" Thorin asked. "At least that's an improvement."

 

"Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education," Kili said. He bared his own teeth in a mirror of Thorin's aggression. "You really want to make me stupid?"

 

"You're already stupid," Thorin said. "Education can only make you better."


	43. "Everything is self-evident." ~Rene Descartes

"He's not just your brother, is he?" Taruiel asked gently as she stroked Kili's newly grown hair.

Kili leaned into her touch, looking at his slowly growing skin. "Everything is self-evident."

Tauriel chuckled. "Yes, it is. You cry for him. You call for him. You love him, the one you're a phantom for."

"He's...it's hard to explain."

"Was it hurting anyone?"

Kili hummed a negative, letting his hand fall to his lap. "We were together when I was in high school, but then he left me. And then we found each other after, well. After I got bit. And then I left him."

"Do you think he's going to be there, waiting for you?" Tauriel asked.

Kili tilted his head to look at her. "Would you wait?"

"I am waiting," Tauriel said. She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "Thranduil will be better once Legolas is better."

Kili wrinkled his nose. "Gross."


	44. Don't get involved in partial problems, but always take flight to where there is a free view over the whole single great problem, even if this view is still not a clear one. ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

"There's a job," Frerin said. "It's not in Nevada, it's up north."

"North is a very big place," Fili said, looking at his uncle.

"Idaho," Frerin said. "They have a wonderful literature department there and I think you would fit in well there."

"Fre--"

"It will give you clarity," Frerin said. "A broader view over your problems."

"But, Kili," Fili said. He rubbed the back of his neck and sat down on the floor. "I can't leave him here, not with Thorin. The two of them keep fighting like pissed off cats. It's only a matter of time before they kill each other."

Frerin sighed. "Look, Fili, if you..." Frerin cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. "Don't get involved in partial problems, but always take flight to where there is a free view over the whole single great problem, even if this view is still not a clear one." Fili looked at him blankly. "Do what you think is right for you."

There was a nod and Fili took a deep breath. "Yeah, okay. North."


	45. Nature never deceives us; it is we who deceive ourselves-J.-J.Rousseau

"This isn't right," Fili said. He sat on his bed, head in his hands. "I know it isn't right but I don't care. Frerin, what...what should I do?"

Frerin sighed and leaned against his nephew's door. "What is it that you like about him? Is it because of his b-body or?"

"No!" Fili said, looking panicked. "No, it's. It's him. Not... I don't. Sex isn't. Kili is just...he's Kili." Fili waved his hands helplessly. "I can't explain it, it's just. It's everything."

"Nature never deceives us," Frerin said. "It is we who deceive ourselves."

Fili looked at him. "What?"

"You should do what you feel is right," Frerin said. "Incest is only taboo because of children and genetics. There's other reasons too but really, we're only a step above the dumb animals who do the same."

"What should I do?" Fili asked again.

"Resist?" Frerin suggested. "Put distance between the two of you?"

Fili nodded. "Distance. Distance I can do."

"More than that, Fili, do you want to resist? Do you want to get away from Kili? I don't think I've seen either of you happier than you have been these past few months."

"This isn't right," Fili repeated, hesitating only slightly over the words. "I'm hurting him by doing this."

Frerin sighed.


	46. Absolute silence leads to sadness. It is the image of death. ~ J.J.Rousseau

"Fili," Kili would say when he called. That was all, just...his name. Then again, that was all that really needed to be said. Kili packed so much meaning into that one word, into his name, that spoke more than the lost Library of Alexandria ever could. 

"Fili," Kili would say. He would never respond.

Then Kili would stop speaking when he would call. They would sit on the hope on together, the seconds ticking by into minutes into hours as they sat there and listened to each other breathe.

Then the calls stopped.


	47. What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness? J.-J.Rousseau

Fili sat close to the fire, warming his fingers and the knitted gloves he wore, keeping a wary eye on his surroundings. He had left the Center, going out with Elrond's sons Elladan and Elrohir to hunt for zombies. They were doing their best to clear a large swath of free space to try and farm the land. Food was getting scare and that made everyone feel the slightest bit of panic. It didn't help that Fili was one of the better fighters in the group and that killing zombies made him flinch as if he were killing Kili every time. The three of them, though, had met up with another group of survivors and had made camp together.

Fili kept himself away from the others, lost in his thoughts, face hidden behind his lower-face mask as he warmed himself. The nights were cold these days and he had no one to keep him warm anymore. Not that Kili had been able to keep him all that warm lately...

"Here," a girl--no, a young woman--said, handing him a can of beans with the lid pulled back and a makeshift spoon. "Best eat while you can, right?"

Fili took it with a second of hesitation. He would have to unhook his mask to eat and he wasn't quite sure he... The woman looked at him expectantly. He sighed, reaching up and undoing the clasps on first the left and then the right, palming the stiff cloth and metal before removing and and laying it aside. 

"My name is Eowyn," she said as she sat next to him.

"Fili," he said, digging into the beans with some reluctance. The day had been hard and he hadn't much of an appetite. 

"You're very handsome," Eowyn said. "Why hide your face?"

Fili looked at her, spoon halfway to his mouth, beans dripping back into the can. "Not interested, sorry," he said, closing his open mouth and handing the beans back to her. He reached down, grabbing the mask and standing.

"No!" Eowyn said, flushing and laughing awkwardly. "No, I meant this as a kindness. My husband, Faramir, is over there with my brother. I'm rather...brash. I speak when I should not. I'm sorry for any offense I gave. I only meant to talk to you and make sure you ate. We'd all be dead if it wasn't for you three."

Fili stared at her before slowly sitting back down. He wasn't sure if she was telling the truth or just pandering to him but he sat back down slowly. Eowyn smiled and handed back the beans. Fili set his mask down and took the bean, slowly began to eat again. 

"Why?" Fili asked.

"Why am I feeding you?" Fili nodded. "What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?"

Fili looked down at the fire and his beans and then back over at Eowyn. "None," he said simply.


	48. “Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each." ~Plato

"Kili is a brilliant child," the doctor said. "He grasps concepts that I've seen older children have issues with."

"We know he's clever," Thorin said. "That's not the problem."

"The problem is that he is possibly too clever," Dis said tiredly. "He keeps getting into trouble out of sheer boredom."

"You could enroll him in a school for the gifted," the doctor suggested. "Something that would stimulate him more would be highly beneficial for everyone involved. He'd have something else to occupy him rather than testing the limits with you and the school administration."

"And who is going to pay for that school?" Thorin asked with a deep frown.

"It's hard enough with one son in high school and another in middle school," Dis said. "And that's public. We can't afford any special schools."

"Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each," the doctor said. "If you can't afford a special school than teach him yourselves. Spend time with him and find what works and what doesn't. Otherwise I can only see him acting out more and more in his own pursuit of distraction and knowledge."

"Thank you," Dis said getting to her feet. Thorin followed, the both of them shaking hands with the doctor before going out to the waiting room to collect a stubborn-faced Kili with skinned knees and a split lip.


	49. "We always strive after what is forbidden, and desire the things refused us." Ovid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: INCEST
> 
> (....duh)

\Fili watched, hating himself as he did, as Kili swum in the creek. His little brother was all tanned skin and freckles, long and lean, more skin than cloth and full of smiles and yelps. He felt disgusting, watching Kili flop about the water like an otter, feeling his gut tighten at the joy on his brother's face. He wanted, so badly did he want.

"Fili!" Kili said, kicking about until he was halfway floating on his back. "C'mon in! It's gorgeous in here!"

"Listen to that drawl," Fili teased. "You adorable brat."

"Fi," Kili whined.

"I don't have anything to swim in," Fili said.

"So just jump in," Kili said, like it was the most natural thing in the world. "It's not like I've never seen you naked."

Fili shook his head, backing away. "I'm good. Really. I've, uhm. I've got to get back to the house. Want me to send Joe for you?"

Kili twisted about in the water. "Nah, I'm good," he said, echoing Fili's words.

Fili nodded and fled, trying to keep his retreat somewhat casual. There was no way he could let Kili know what he did to him. He was only fifteen. He couldn't do that to his little brother.


	50. "If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide." ~Mahatma Gandhi

Lori smiled up at Fili as he dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "There was another hangup today," she said. She watched as Fili flinched before circling around and sitting next to her. "You sure it's your brother?"

Lori moved as Fili laid down with his head in her lap. "Probably."

"You know, why don't you invite him up for a weekend?" Lori asked, combing her fingers through Fili's short hair. "It would be good for both of you."

Fili choked on his laugh, pressing his face into her stomach.

"What, is it because of the two of you? I've seen the pictures, blondie, I'd be totally okay with both of you in bed."

Fili sat up in a second, staring at her.

Lori smiled, reaching out and scratching at his stubbly cheek. "It's not hard to assume, you know. You never talk about him but he's on your phone in pictures and text messages. He calls but hangs up when he hears me. I've heard you in the shower, Fili, and you say his name."

"Lori, I--"

Lori leaned in and kissed him. "Relax, blondie. It's okay."

"How? How can you be okay with this? It's wrong!"

"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide," Lori said, quoting Gandhi.

"What?"

Lori tugged Fili in close, her breasts smooshed against his chest. "I believe the best in everyone. If you love him, if you love your Kili, then that's okay. It's not bad, it's not wrong, it just is. He helped make you who you are and that's, that's special."

"I used to think it was a big cosmic joke," Fili said, his face buried against her neck.

"Maybe it is," Lori said, idly scratching the back of his neck. "And if so, take it for what it is and laugh. Laugh, love, and live."


	51. "It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death." - Thomas Mann

"How much longer?" Kili asked, leaning against Fili.

"To the Center? Not long, I don't think. Maybe another week."

Kili was silent, absently playing with Fili's fingers as they relaxed. He'd fed earlier and had found food for Fili as well. Granted, it was nothing more than a box of protein bars from a ransacked 711 but anything was better than nothing.

"You look better," Fili said, breaking the silence.

Kili spread Fili's fingers out as he examined them.

"Kili," Fili said with a sigh. "C'mon, what's going through that head of yours?"

"It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death," Kili said softly. "You picked up when I called."

Fili moved his hand, embracing Kili's broken and fleshless one, threading their fingers together. "You needed me."

"I needed you before," Kili said.

Fili sighed. "I know." He pressed his lips to Kili's temple, placing a gentle kiss there. "I couldn't help you if I couldn't help myself."


	52. "Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." ~the Buddha

Dis watched Kili as he slammed about the kitchen, grabbing plates and bowls and dropping them loudly on the counters and slamming the cabinets and drawers closed. He was in a snit after one of Thorin's lectures and had the beginnings of a great bruise on his chin.

"Fighting at school again?" Dis asked softly.

Kili looked over at her, his anger slipping for a moment before snapping firmly back in place. Kili was always angry these days.

"I think we have a bag of peas you can put on that bruise," Dis said, hesitating a moment before cupping Kili's face and tilting it toward the light. He stood still, muscles tensed. "What was it about this time?"

Silence.

"Oh, sweetie," Dis sighed, letting go of his face. "Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It does no one any good."

"What difference does it make if I'm angry or not?" he asked.

"It can't be good, feeling this angry all the time," Dis said, reaching out to brush back his hair. He was letting it grow long but right now he looked like a shaggy puppy. "Talk to me, little raven, tell me what I can do to help."

Kili hesitated, the anger slipping again and for a moment, just a moment, Dis thought she saw her baby, full of pain and hurt and so very deeply unhappy. But then the anger was back and he pushed her away before running out the back door to the stables.


	53. "Forgiveness is the final form of love." - Reinhold Niebuhr

"Are you sure you want to stop here for the night?" Tauriel asked, putting the truck into park and letting the engine idle. 

Kili nodded and opened the truck's door, sliding out and looking around. The ranch was different than he remembered but he had had years between when he had last left and now. Life was different. He was different. 

He walked through the house, seeing where the plague had ravaged his home in the broken door and windows, the blood smeared on the walls and floor, the way his childhood home had been changed. There was no one in the house. Kili stopped in one hallway, looking at his old room from the door before moving onto Fili's. 

So much had happened in so little time. 

He wandered around until he found the storm cellar where Thorin and his mother and whoever was left had taken covered. They hadn't been turned. They'd just been eaten. Kili leaned against the door for a while, looking at the blood stains on the concrete until Tauriel came to find him.

"Legolas has food heating up," she said. "It'll be done by the time we get up there."

Kili nodded absently, still contemplating the last place his family had existed.

"Kili?"

"Forgiveness is the final form of love," he said. "I'm trying to see if I can."

"Can what?"

"Forgive them."

Tauriel smiled, reaching out and ruffling Kili's growing hair. "You know you can."

Kili sighed as he leaned into her. "Yeah, I can. I do. I've spent so much time being angry that maybe it is time for a little forgiveness. Especially now."

"C'mon," Tauriel said. "Let's go eat."


	54. "Whatever a man may be, there is a future to be forged, a virgin future before him." ~Jean-Paul Sartre

Fili looked around the wide open space before him. Hardwood floors, old iron heaters in standard silver metal, yellowing walls, white doors. He had an old overhead light and fan combo in the living room and bedroom and closets in weird places. It was fantastic and old and new and his, all his. No roommates, no family members, no Ki--

Well. It was what he wanted, right? A clean break. This was what Frerin had gotten him, this new life and home. He had gotten himself the college and the classes and everything else he needed to focus on to make himself a future. 

A future. By himself with no one else around to share the joys and tragedies. But that was okay. He was okay with that, he really was, because i meant that Kili had a future as well. He looked at the postcard on the table that Frerin had sent him--his first bit of mail--and sighed before picking it up and turning it over in his hands. 

Whatever a man may be, there is a future to be forged, a virgin future before him.

Fili turned and went into the kitchen, sticking the postcard on the fridge with a magnet. He would remember--he wasn't the only one who deserved a future.


	55. Tragedy is a tool for the living to gain wisdom, not a guide by which to live. ~Robert Kennedy

The funeral was held a couple weeks after the hiking accident. Kili leaned against Fili, both of them still battered and locked in casts, while their mother sobbed as her brothers held her up. Kili pressed his face into Fili's arm, so confused at everything that was happening. 

He followed his family through the ceremony and hung back from the others as the priest spoke to everyone. He tried to ignore the looks the others would shoot him, the whispers hidden behind hands, the way only Fili would try and soothe him when he cried. 

"Tragedy is a tool for the living to gain wisdom, not a guide by which to live," the priest said, kneeling next to Kili where he curled up in his seat. "Remember your father as he was, child. Not as he is now."

Kili stared at him and sniffed. "Where's Fili? I want Fili."

The priest stood and offered Kili his hand. "I don't know. Let's go find him, shall we?"


	56. The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living. ~Marcus Tullius Cicero

Fili gathered his bag, ignoring the tears that wouldn't stop falling. He'd killed her, his perfect Lori. He knew, deep down, that she hadn't been his then, that whoever had bitten her had killed her, but it was hard to accept that fact right now. Into the bag he threw clothes, food that he could eat on the run, his cell phone and power cables, and anything else he could think of that would be necessary. Water, though, he packed as much of as he could--even though it made his bag that much heavier.

He tried to avoid the kitchen, he really did. He didn't want to see Lori's dead body, didn't want to see the knife he'd stuck in her throat, the one that went all the way through to the back. That's not how he wanted to remember her. The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living, after all, and he wanted to cherish the memories of her laughing, her smiling, her being ridiculously wicked when she wanted something from him...

He couldn't though, not fully, avoid the kitchen. He skirted the edges, not looking down, as he grabbed the chef knives Lori had given him a couple Christmases ago, and the heavy aluminum bat Lori kept near the back door. He had to get out of there, get some actual weapons, and run. He didn't know where to go but that honestly wouldn't stop him. It never had before, after all. He hesitated as he went to the front door, looking at the pictures of them hung on the wall. He took them down, carefully pulling the pictures out of their frames and sliding them into his back pocket. 

He wouldn't forget her. He wouldn't.


	57. "Love is not as important as good health. You cannot be in love if you’re not healthy. You can’t appreciate it." ~Bryan Cranston

"I don't get it," Fili said. "What do you mean, healthy?"

"You hate yourself," Frerin said simply. He was sitting on the ground and carving a piece of wood as Fili chopped more wood. "Because of you and Kili. You love him and he loves you but it's not healthy."

Fili flinched.

"He has been too much self-pity and you have too much self-hate."

"But--"

"You have to make a choice, Fili, to let go of your hate. If you can then I think the two of you can actually be happy, be whole together. If you can't, well. You can't appreciate it."

"How do you know this?" Fili demanded. "How do you know what it's like. You can't!"

Frerin smiled, whittling away at the wood. "You aren't the first to love your brother and I doubt you will be the last."

Fili frowned and then flushed. Frerin and Thorin? Oh. Oh god. He needed something to bleach his mind with. No way could anyone find his rough uncle attractive!


	58. “Self pity becomes your oxygen. But you learned to breathe it without a gasp. So, nobody even notices you're hurting.” ~Paul Monette

Kili glared at the guidance counselor, arms crossed as he slouched in his chair. She stared back at him, tapping her desk with the eraser side of her pencil. Who used pencils anymore? They sucked. You always had to sharpen them and it was just, ugh. Pointless.

"We are going to keep having these meetings until you talk to me, Mr Durin."

"Fantastic," Kili sighed.

"Look, I get it, all right? Self-pity becomes your oxygen. But you learned to breathe it without a gasp. So, nobody even notices you're hurting."

"Monette," Kili said absently.

"Yes," she said, leaning back in her chair. "You think no one notices--"

"No one does," Kili said. "I thought they did but hey, guess what, they moved away and on. Just like everyone else."

"You need to give people a chance to get to know you," she said. "You, not your pain or your anger."

"Didn't you know that's all I am?" Kili asked, getting to his feet and picking up his bag as the bell rang. "I'm all hatred and spite."


	59. "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." - Lao Tzu

Frerin sat at the kitchen table, leaning back in his chair, and drank his beer. Thorin was arguing with Kili at the stove, the two of them shouting as loudly as their lungs could manage. Dis was at the sink, ignoring the entire scene as she did dishes while Fili concentrated very hard on the reading he was doing for his pre-college class.

It was odd, he knew it, that he found Thorin ridiculously ravishing when he was angry and yelling. Part of him wanted to get involved, pull Kili away from Thorin, protect his fragile nephew; the other part of him wanted to egg the fight on, make it, worse, just to see Thorin full of fire and passion.

"Uncle, please," Fili said when they had both stopped screaming for a breath. He hadn't even looked up from his work, highlighter continuing to move across the page. "I need to concentrate. Kili, don't you have to go muck out the stables before you finish your homework?"

Kili half-turned, looking at Fili, before giving a half-nod and with a last glare at Thorin, stomped out of the room. Frerin stood and offered Thorin his beer. Thorin took it, draining it in one go, and handing it back to Frerin. Thorin shook his head and nudged Frerin's shoulder with his own, a soundless thanks.

It was later, when Frering was coming out of the bathroom after a shower, that Thorin sought him out.

"I don't know what to do with him," he admitted, sitting on Frerin's bed.

Frerin pulled out a pair of boxers and dropped his towel. He slowly dressed, trying not to focus on his brother and instead trying to think about his problematic nephew. "Maybe stop harassing him? Let him figure himself out instead of constantly hounding him?"

"You know I can't do that," Thorin said. "Not after what happened already."

"What happened wasn’t his fault." Frerin said, pulling out a t-shirt and tugging it on. He felt hands on his hips and leaned back into Thorin. "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. We need to help him, Thorn, not punish him."

"And who do you love, little brother, that makes you so strong and brave?"

Frerin laughed. "I'll never tell."


	60. "I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people." ~Isaac Newton

"What?" Dis asked, setting a tray of cookies on the stove top.

Frerin smiled even as it felt wrong. "Just. Kili. And Fili. Sometimes I think I know what they're going to do, how they're going to act, and then, poof, expectation blown."

"They're Durins. It says it all, doesn't it?" Dis asked as she turned off the oven.

"Sadly," Frerin said. "They remind me of Thorin and me."

Dis chuckled softly. "Sometimes. Neither of you were so quiet and neither of you were always so angry."

"I think both of us were angry. Thorin definitely after what happened to grandfather. Even more so when dad drank himself to death."

"You weren't angry," Dis said, offering Frerin one of the cookies. He took it and grinned before stuffing the whole thing in his mouth. He yelped, sputtering crumbs, as he waved in front of his mouth and wincing. "They just came out of the oven, you idiot. Of course they're hot."

Frerin reached out and snagged his beer, guzzling the whole thing in one go. "Oh fuck that hurt."

"You are ridiculous," Dis said. She had her hands on her hips and her lips were twitching with effort of trying not to smile. 

Frerin whined softly, cradling the bottle to his chest. "So mean, baby sister."

"That's what I exist for," Dis said. "To be mean. Now, come, tell me why you think my sons are my brothers."

Frerin looked at her and sighed, "You know I would do just about anything to make Thorin happy, to have him smile."

"You love him," Dis shrugged. "We all do."

Frerin shook his head. "More than that, Dis. So much more than that."

Dis glanced at him and then grabbed a cookie of her own. She took a small bite, watching the steam and chewing slowly. "Fili loves Kili more than anything else. He's been putting off actual college because he doesn't want to leave Kili alone. I think it would good for both of them to get some distance."

"It won't do them any good," Frerin said. "It'll get worse."

"It?"

Frerin smiled. "The madness."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frerin is an academic.


	61. It is easy to stand a pain, but difficult to stand an itch. ~Chang Ch'ao

Frerin hesitated for a moment, watching as Fili and Kili rolled in the hay, laughing and kissing and actually looking...happy. He'd forgotten what Kili's smile looked like. He sighed and left them alone, stomping his way inside to knock the mud off his boots. 

"You're going to wake the whole house," Thorin said from the shadows. He could make his brother out from the cherry of his cigarette.

"Creeper," Frerin said. He sat down next to Thorin and started unlacing his boots. "Why're you sitting here in the dark?"

Thorin took a long drag of his cigarette.

"Fine, be like that," Frerin said with a sniff.

"It's been a while since we spent time together," Thorin said. "You've been busy."

"So have you," Frerin said. He wrestled his boots off and pushed them over to the wall. "Do you want to do something, grab breakfast somewhere?"

"Its ten pm," Thorin pointed out.

"IHOP," Frerin said. Thorin shook his head and Frerin shrugged. "It was just a suggestion."

Silence.

Frerin wiggle his toes in their socks, leaning back on his arms. His mind wandered, going back to what he had seen. They had looked so happy. He knew he should say it was wrong and have stormed in and separated them like Thorin would have but, honestly, he wasn't Thorin and it was a little pot, kettle. Especially because of...

"Promise you won't hate me?" Frerin asked.

Thorin frowned. "Why would I hate you?"

"It is easy to stand a pain, but difficult to stand an itch," Frerin said, getting up and walking over to Thorin. He hesitated and then leaned down, brushing his lips against Thorin's.


	62. "Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity." ~ Hippocrates

Fili watched Kili move, the broken and wooden way his dead limbs moved. It had been three days since he’d found his brother at the school and Kili hadn’t eaten since. The rot was growing, Kili becoming more corpse than…well. 

He touched the pictures in his back pocket, his memories of Lori, of having to kill her. He didn’t think he could kill Kili, not…not like he had before. In a way this was all his fault. He had left and Kili had been left alone with no protection of any sort and then the plague and.

“I’m a horrible brother,” Fili said softly. He didn’t realize he had said it out loud until Kili’s head swung around. Fili swallowed and met Kili’s one eye straight on. He tried not to focus too hard on the wreck of his baby brother’s body because he hadn’t been there. He watched as Kili walked toward him, the movement jerky like a puppet missing a few strings. “I am.”

Kili dropped down in front of him and leaned into him. “Nnnnooooo.”

“No?” Fili asked, hesitating before touching Kili, petting his hair.

“C-c-cammmmeeeee f-f-ffffor meee,” Kili got out.

“Of cour—“ Fili started to say before stopping. He hadn’t come for Kili before, no matter how hard Kili had begged until the calls had stopped. “I should have been there for you. I’m so sorry, Kili, I’m so sorry.”

Kili struggled for a moment, his body moving in odd ways. “Healing,” he said, clearly fighting not to slur or hiss. “Is a m-m-maaaatter of time.” A deep rattling breath. “But it is. Sometimes allllllllsoooo. Also a m-m-matter of.” Kili slumped more against Fili. “Opportunity.”

“You forgive me for abandoning you?” Fili asked. Because that’s what it was, when it came right down to it. He ran away from Kili, from everything they had together, because he was scared and selfish. And Kili was the one who ultimately had paid the price of his selfishness.

“Timmme,” Kili said.


	63. "With love one can live even without happiness." — Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Kili lay on Fili’s bed, tracing the words on the page with his fingers. Fili was at the desk, doing something, so Kili had taken possession of the bed. He had bundled himself up in a sheet and the quilt some ancient relative had gifted upon Fili ages ago. They’d been fooling around, quiet and laughing and so incredibly content, but then Fili had to do his work so Kili had picked up the book he was reading for the hell of it.

 

Dostoyevsky. _Notes From Underground_.

 

With love one can live even without happiness.

 

Kili glanced over his shoulder at Fili, watching him with a dopey smile on his face. He knew it was dopey. He knew Fili made him into an idiot but it was okay. It was, because Fili was his and Kili was so irrevocably his in turn.

 

Dostoyevsky was right. Kili wasn’t happy, not by a long shot, but it was… Well. For Fili there wasn’t anything he couldn’t bear.


	64. "Certainty is an unrealistic and unattainable ideal." ~ William Lane Craig

“Are you sure this is going to work?” Kili asked, settling in the chair. He let Tauriel strap him down while Radaghast puttered around the lab.

“Certainty is an unrealistic and unattainable ideal,” Radaghast said.

“That’s not something you’re supposed to say,” Kili said.

Tauriel chuckled. “What do you expect from him? Cryptic ass.”

Kili relaxed into the chair and closed his eye. “Fine, let’s get this over with. I’m starving. If this doesn’t work, I want the right to eat him.”

“No eating the doctor with the cure,” Tauriel said.

“Except he doesn’t have the cure,” Kili said.

“My dear boy,” Radaghast said, examining the needle full of an noxious orange concoction. “All of this is part of the cure."


	65. "Veiling truth in mystery.” ~Virgil

“How do you think this all started?” Tauriel asked one evening. 

Kili was flopped down on his back, spread out in the grass and just relaxing. Somehow Legolas had a ukelele and was plucking at it rhythmically. Both of them were showing vast improvements but neither were cured. Kili was still trying to adjust to having two eyes while Legolas was rejoicing in having actual fingers with meat on them. He was usually found playing—badly—on a guitar he had found.

“How what started?” Kili asked, opening his eyes and staring up at the darkening sky. “The plague?”

Tauriel hummed softly in agreement. She was cleaning her guns while they relaxed, though her method and style was far different from Fili’s way of cleaning his guns.

"It doesn't matter if this all shatters. Nothing lasts forever. But I'm praying that we're staying together,” Legolas sang as the ukelele plucked out the tune.

“He’s got a point,” Kili said. “It doesn’t matter. What happened has happened. We just need to keep moving.”

“There are too many people around here who were so prepared for this,” Tauriel said.

“Veiling truth in mystery?” Kili asked.

“Something like that.”

Kili closed his eyes. “I don’t care how it started. I just want it to be over and go home.”

“You could have someone here go and find him,” Tauriel said.

“That’s assuming he stayed with the others.”

“Is it so hard for you to have hope?”

Kili raised his hand up above him, the flesh still discolored and bloated, some fingers still nothing but bone and a few strips of dried tendons. “Yes."


	66. "Whoso loves believes the impossible." - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

“There’s no cure,” Kili mumbled. He had fallen against the wall, the sick sound of crashing hollow clay sending shivers down Fili’s spine. “The world is being cleansed.”

“No,” Fili said, crouching down next to Kili. “There is a cure. There has to be a cure.” He reached out, running the back of his knuckles over the hollow of Kili’s cheek. “I can’t lose you. Not again.” He had already lost so much.

Kili turned his head, watching him with unblinking eyes. “Why do you believe?”

“Because I love you,” Fili said, leaning in and brushing a gentle kiss over Kili’s lips. “No matter what. I don’t care what you look like, or where you are, I love you. I just, I want you to be able to act as you want. This, this plague controls you. It’s. You need to be free. You always deserved to be free.”

Kili tilted his head to the side and leaned forward, his head resting against Fili’s shoulder. “Whoso loves believes the impossible,” he mumbled, muffled against the cloth around Fili’s neck.

“Something like that,” Fili said.

“I should eat,” Kili said, straightening. “I want to give you what I can.”

“I have your heart,” Fili said. “That’s all I need."


	67. "If you want a quality, act as if you already had it." ~ William James

Fili wanted.

He wanted with the depravity of a glutton.

He watched Kili, the way his brother would move in the stables, how his muscles shifted under his skin, the way he would climb trees…the way he would bare his skin. He wanted so badly to touch, to grab, to mar, with bite, to own…

He remembered the words someone had said when he was younger. If you want a quality, act as if you already had it. So, Fili worked to obtain patience. He dropped his eyes to the ground instead of staring. He clenched his hands by his side not to touch. He refrained from roughhousing with Kili, no matter how Kili begged. He avoided his brother, supported him from afar, but left him alone.

And then he kissed him.

And Kili kissed him back. There was want and need and oooh, he didn’t need to be patient. He didn’t need to refrain. He could indulge and have and touch and bite and own. In fact, Kili encouraged it.

He had Kili on the bed, his younger brother pinned under him from their brief wrestling match, the other laughing hysterically into the covers. Fili was grinning, leaning down to nuzzle and nose at Kili’s long, tangled hair when he saw it. A wide expanse of untouched, unmarked skin. He brushed a kiss over it, blew softly against it, leaned in to run the edge of his teeth against it. Kili’s breath was catching and he had stayed utterly still.

“Fi,” Kili breathed. “Please.”

Fili drew back for a moment. Was he…? He was. He smiled and leaned in, nipping gently along the base of Kili’s neck before moving up to suck a bite right under Kili’s hairline. Kili gasped, one of his hands threading through Fili’s, tugging their hands down. They fell to the side, unbalanced, but Kili was pulling Fili’s hand downdowndown and oh. Oh.

Fili drew back just slightly, eyes drawn to the red mark he had left, the way Kili was flushed and breathing hard, the way Kili felt hard and firm under his palm.

“What?” Fili asked. He was watching Kili’s face, his eyes, his own widening as Kili wiggled away and ripped his shirt off. 

“You want to,” Kili said. He flopped back on the bed, wiggling around until he was comfortable. “Feast.”

Fili licked his lips before straddling Kili, his hands making short work of his shorts and tossing them to the ground. Kili licked his lips and moved with Fili, letting him control him. Fili leaned down, dropping kisses along the inside of Kili’s thigh, starting at his knee and moving upupup. He bit and sucked as he moved his way up, knowing no one would see them under Kili’s clothes, but he would know. He could see. Kili had his lip between his teeth, trying to stay silent as he watched Fili with fascination.

Up he went, sucking and biting and raising marks along Kili’s torso and hips, trying not to make it obvious and knowing his poor brother wouldn’t be able to walk around without a shirt for some time…but FIli could hardly find fault in that. He was the only one who should see Kili like this, spread out and gasping and marked red and purple from his mouth.

“Please,” Kili begged, his voice broken. “Fi, I need.”

Fili smiled, sliding their bodies together, cloth against naked skin, and leaned in to kiss him. “Anything. Anything you need. Always."


	68. "Happiness is unrepentant pleasure.” ~Socrates

Kili lay sprawled on Fili’s bed, gasping for breath, covered in sweat and come. He couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. Fili was sitting back on his knees at the end of the bed with a hungry look on his face, his cock curved toward his stomach and dripping. Kili squirmed, biting his lip, trying to look as tempting as possible.

“You have no idea how beautiful you are like this,” Fili said.

Kili laughed, his hand raising up to grip the headboard, his hips rolling as he teased Fili. Though, oh, that…that was more of a tease for him. Fili had found a sex toy website and since the ranch was empty except for them at the moment, well, they had decided to have some fun while they could. Fili had used the toy to take Kili apart, making his gasp and squirm and very nearly scream as he came. And Fili watched.

Kili licked his lips. "Fili," he said.

It was all he needed to say. Fili crawled over him, kissing him as he ran his fingers through the mess on Kili's stomach. Those same fingers moved, shoving Kili's legs apart as they carefully removed the dildo. Kili moaned into Fili's mouth, arching helplessly. He broke the kiss, gasping and trying not to squirm a how empty he felt now. He left his legs splayed, Fili between them and watching him. Always watching.  
"Think you could handle another round?" Fili asked, his thumb rubbing under the flared head of Kili's cock.

Kili shivered, reaching up and dragging Fili close. "Get your dick in me."

Fili laughed, nuzzling along his chest. "So eloquent," he teased.

"I want you," Kili whined. "I want you to make me feel good. I want to make you feel good. I want us to feel absolute euphoria."

Fili reached for the lube, coating his fingers and easily sliding three inside Kili. He reached up, gripping Fili's biceps and trying not to moan as wantonly as he wanted, staying quiet as Fili spread the lube inside him. They kept their eyes locked on each other as Fili removed his fingers to slick his cock before he pushed his way inside Kili. Fili grunted softly with effort, bigger than the toy, but Kili took him eagerly.

"Fuck, Ki," Fili gasped.

Kili gripped Fili with his thighs as they moved, wrapping his arms around him and running his fingers through Fili's blond hair. They moved together, both in search of completion, wanting the perfect moment of quiet and bliss and joy they had found in each other. It didn’t take long for Fili to come, hiding his face against Kili’s shoulder and biting to hide his shout. Kili laughed breathlessly as Fili pulled free and kissed him, pushing fingers back inside to work Kili’s prostate. 

“Happiness,” Kili said, rolling lazily and heavily on top of Fili after he had come again, “is unrepentant pleasure.”

“You must be so happy, then,” Fili said.

“More than you could ever know,” Kili said, tucking his head under Fili’s chin.


	69. Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. ~Andre Gide

The first time Kili tried weed was with Fili. His older brother was smoking on the roof of the stables, refusing to be the good son for once, and was slowly working his way through a joint. Kili, having climbed up after him, watched until he figured out how to mimic Fili. He snatched the joint and took a deep breath, holding it and fighting off the waiting cough, until he slowly blew it out. He made a face and handed it back to Fili who laughed at him.

"Just remember, Ki, say no to drugs," he said.

Ages later--only a year and change--Kili was at a party and there was weed. And other things. And, feeling the burn of an attraction he couldn't get rid of, he took whatever was handed to him. Beer, liquor, weed, X, things he didn't even know the name of. He woke up three days later with no idea what happened to him except he wanted to do it again.

But then... Well. Then Fili kissed him. And he kissed him back. And it was wonderful and perfect but. But... Thorin. Fili made him feel like everything was right in the world, that being with him was what he was made for, but he couldn't be with Fili forever. Sometimes things had to change. And then Fili was leaving him.

And he gave in. He took whatever he could get his hands on to try and replace, or ignore, the ache in his chest. Weed wouldn't do it anymore. All it did was let Thorin's comments roll off his shoulders. Now, though, he needed more.

X was boring. It let him give into his baser needs, give in to just getting a piece of ass or snatch to try and pass the time. The orgasm was the only thing that mattered, though being touched and pet was wonderful too. He wanted to cry, sometimes, because he wanted it so much to be someone else. He stopped after a night during college when h woke up in someone's bed and saw nothing but naked flesh. He couldn't do that anymore, not when he kne how Fili would disapprove.

He went to college. He got high on weed and X and, well.

There was Speed, which he loved. He took it whenever he could, loving the way to world would just blur around him. Heroine too. Speed and heroine became his lovers, the only things more important to him that anything else. He made it through. He coped. He drifted through the world and just...didn't care. Why should he care about anyone when no carded about him?

But no, no, that wasn't it. He wanted to know; he wanted to know why.

Why.

Why?

Why had the world refused him at every turn, taken everything--taken Fili--away from him? He searched for the truth, like Gide said. He believed in his fellow addicts, all of them searching for some truth in a whole messed up world, but no one found it.

Well. That wasn't true. Those who did never woke up again.


	70. "There is frequently more to be learned from the unexpected questions of a child than the discourses of men." ~John Locke

Kili clung to Thorin’s arm, beaming up at him.

“Why is the sky blue?” he asked. “And the ocean? And why—“

“Enough, Kili,” Thorin sighed. Kili quieted and moved to hang down Thorin’s back as Thorin worked on the papers for the ranch. His youngest nephew was quiet until he slid into Thorin’s lap and pointed at something on the page. Thorin looked down at him with a frown.

“Wrong,” Kili said, looking up at him. 

“No, that’s correct,” Thorin said.

Kili pouted up at him and pushed the papers away a little. “No. Wrong.”

Thorin was just about to push away from the desk and send Kili on his way when Frerin waltzed in. The blond dove in and grabbed Kili, twirling and tossing him while the little boy shouted and giggled. Thorin shook his head, trying to hide his smile. 

“You both looked awfully gloomy when I came in,” Frerin said, tucking Kili under his arm like the boy was a soccer ball.

“His papers wrong!” Kili said, kicking his feet and pointing. “Wrong!”

“No, they’re right,” Thorin said.

Frerin came over and leaned over to take a look. Thorin gave him a look but let his nosy little brother examine the papers. Frerin frowned and hummed softly, pointing at the same place Kili had. “That’s wrong.”

Thorin glanced at Frerin. “What are you talking about?”

“It’s probably a typing error but that sum and what we’re being charged doesn’t make sense,” Frerin said. “Otherwise that vendor is seriously fu—uuh.” Frerin coughed. “Otherwise we’re being cheated.” Thorin looked at Kili’s smiling face. Frerin followed his look to Kili and grinned. “There is frequently more to be learned from the unexpected questions of a child than the discourses of men.”

“Shut up,” Thorin huffed.

“OOOOH YOU SAID BAD WORDS!” Kili shouted as both Frerin and Thorin winced at the volume.


	71. "Sex is kicking death in the ass while singing.” ~Charles Bukowski

Kili crawled close to Fili, reveling in the way he moved smoothly and not like a jerky puppet on a string. His brother had removed his lower face mask, working on cleaning it of whatever nasties he had picked up throughout the day. There was a small, smokeless fire going where Fili was heating up food for himself to eat and Fili had already rolled out his bedding. Kili didn’t need food or sleep, just flesh.

He wanted a different kind of flesh right now.

“Fili,” Kili said slowly. Fili set his mask aside, giving a tiny hum of acknowledgement, before pulling out a cloth and his knives for cleaning. Kili waited for his brother to look at him but Fili didn’t. Kili moved closer, raising himself up on his knees and using a hand on Fili’s shoulder for balance. “Fili.”

Fili looked at him, a tightening around his eyes and mouth giving away his still constant flinch when he saw Kili’s face. Kili smiled and, broadcasting his intent, slid onto Fili’s lap. Fili set down his knife and the cloth and wrapped his arms around Kili, pulling him close. Not everything about him had been ravaged by the plague. His body was still mostly in tact, though parts of him were decaying faster than others. He could still, maybe...

"Kili?" Fili asked.

Kili wiggled in Fili’s hold, hips moving teasingly. “Did you know,” Kili asked. "Sex is kicking death in the ass while singing.”

 

Fili’s eyes widened. “What?”

 

Kili would have bit his lip and avoided but these days he was more apt to bite it off fully and chew it. Instead he looked Fili in the eyes. “You heard me.”

 

“Kili,” Fili said. He looked torn, like he didn’t know what to do.

 

“You asked me to forgive you,” Kili said. “I have. You say you love me and I believe you. You know I love you. Let me show you, help you? Maybe make things just the tiniest bit better?”

 

Fili stared at him for a long stretch of time before he let his head thud gently against Kili’s shoulder. “Were you always this smart or is this because of. Well.”

 

Kili smiled, knowing he had won, and started peeling Fili out of his clothes. They touched and rubbed, both of them glancing in disappointment at Kili’s limp penis, the way that Kili couldn’t seem to get worked up. Not that it mattered, not with the way Fili was panting and flushed against the bedding. Kili had some lube from the last place they’d rummaged for supplies and Fili stared at him.

 

“You’ve been planning this,” he accused.

 

“Yep,” Kili said. He wiggled the tube at Fili who yanked it out of Kili’s hand and made use of it, slicking his fingers and working them inside Kili quickly. Kili wiggled pleasantly at the feel of Fili’s fingers. His body might not need to be stretched—and, honestly, stretching was probably a bad idea with a corpse—but he still loved the feel of Fili’s blunt fingers inside him.

 

“What’s wrong with me?” Fili groaned. The blond had taken control, moving Kili as he wanted him, on hands and knees over Fili’s bedding. Kili glanced over his shoulder, seeing Fili’s pained expression as their bodies joined. “Fuck, Kili. Fuck. I. How can I still want this? Still want you?”

 

Kili shifted, moving with Fili and leaning back, the two of them falling into a rhythm they had never really lost. Fili griped his hips tight, panting with effort and pleasure. “Because you love more than just my trappings.”

 

“Not only incest but necrophilia,” Fili laughed.

 

Kili reached back, stroking Fili’s neck and murmuring sweetly to him as his brother fucked him, shouting his climax to the endless night.


	72. I am a part of all that I have met. ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

Kili licked his fingers clean—actual fingers, with bones and joints and tendons and nerves and flesh—and wiped them dry on his jeans. Fili had found them clean clothes and oh, clothes he could feel, a sated hunger, and Fili.

Fili was in the sports section of the big-boxed store, grabbing whatever hunting tools he could find. A bag stuffed with food lay at his feet. There was fresh clothes on Fili too, a new pair of cargo pants, a new shirt and jacket, and a new face mask. He still wore his old, scuffed up Docs but he looked—and smelled—better.

“They have a crossbow,” Fili said.

“I wouldn’t be able to use it.”

Fili looked over at him and nodded, adjusting his reinforced fingerless gloves. “I might. Blades are hard to come by.”

“Not as hard as decent arrows.”

“What do you suggest, then?” Fili asked.

“Guns,” Kili said, turning and pointing at a large display. “Bullets are easy.” Fili nodded. “And you know how to shoot. We both do.”

Fili grabbed the bag of food and hefted it over his shoulder, following Kili to the display. “You’re moving better.”

Kili spun around, smiling at Fili. “I’m not hungry,” he said.

Fili reached out, touching the ruin of Kili’s eye. “This hasn’t gone away.” Kili turned his head and kissed Fili’s gloved palm without thinking. He had forgotten he wasn’t allowed to kiss him any more. “Kili.”

“Sorry,” Kili said, pulling away and going behind the counter to pull out guns and a few hunting knives for Fili to stash. He found the boxes of ammo and watched as Fili armed himself. It shouldn’t be as attractive as it was.

He saw movement out of the corner of his eye and smiled, licking his teeth. He wasn’t hungry, but he could definitely have another snack. He crept around the edge of the counter, ignoring the look Fili gave him, and stalked his prey. He wasn’t the mindless shuffling corpse the others of his kind were. He was the hunter. The top of the food chain.

He came up behind the scared woman and wrapped his arms around her skinny arms and chest as he sank his teeth into her neck. He yanked his head back, ripping tendons and muscle with him as he chewed and she screamed. He moved his hands, gripping her by her chest, hands squeezing her breasts as he continued to eat her, leaving her alive and screaming until the last possible minute.

Kili was petting her hair, nails digging into her scalp and ear when Fili found him. Kili barely paid him any mind as worked the woman’s skin. Fili watched him for a moment before pulling out the machete he had shown up with and used it to smash through the woman’s skull. Kili ignored him as he reached, greedily, into the skull cavity and dug her brain out. He nuzzled at it before smashing his face into it, eating it slowly and savoring it.

Fili had pulled his face mask down and reached out, running a finger over Kili’s forehead. Kili looked up, still chewing, but offered Fili a bit of brain he had pulled free. There was a moment of hesitation before Fili leaned in and took the brain from Kili’s fingers. He chewed slowly before swallowing, looking like he wasn’t sure of anything any more.

“I am a part of all I have met,” Kili said. He took another bite of the brain, licking his lips.

Fili nodded. “You are.”

Kili took a chance and moved, making himself comfortable as he crowded into Fili. He brother shifted, sitting down and letting Kili sit in his lap as he ate. There were lips against his forehead that gave him hope. Maybe…well. Maybe.


	73. A gun gives you the body, not the bird. ~Henry David Thoreau

Frerin sighed, leaning against the doorframe as Kili went storming by. Thorin sat behind his desk, fuming silently as he propped his elbows on the desk and laced his fingers together. So grouchy.

“You know,” Frerin drawled slowly as he went into the office. “A gun gives you the body, not the bird.”

“Go back to your books, Frerin,” Thorin said. There was nothing there, no affection, no anger, just flat words of dismissal.

“How long as you going to punish me?” Frerin asked. “It was just a kiss.”

“How long have you wanted me?” Thorin demanded.

Frerin shook his head. “That’s not how this works.”

“I want you to leave,” Thorin said. He got to his feet, the set of his jaw firm. Frerin’s breath caught in his chest, a chill sliding down his spine. “Go back to the university. Take their housing. Leave the ranch.”

“Leave the family,” Frerin said. “Leave you.”

“Yes.”

"No,” Frerin said. “This is my home just as much as it is yours. Your bad temper and discomfort is not going to chase me away. You've bullied so many away from you, Thorin, but you can’t bully me. Just like you can’t bully Dis.”

“How dare—"

“No!” Frerin snapped. “Do you not understand? I told you. A gun gives you the body. Not the bird.”

Thorin frowned, the line between his eyebrows broadcasting his confusion verses displeasure.

“You moron,” Frerin sighed, turning and leaving. “You stupid moron."


	74. We must remember that nothing in this world really belongs to us. At best, we are merely borrowers. ~Christopher Isherwood

Fili flipped through the pictures on his cell phone. He was back at the Center with more survivors and was in the room he had shared with Kili all those months ago. Somewhere along the line he had trashed the room, flinging furniture about and destroying what he could, before remaking what he could. He lived in the middle of the disaster, sleeping on the ground in a tangle of blankets and pillows, wanting nothing but to wallow in his own misery.

Which led to his photos.

He hoarded pictures—little bits of data that sat on his phone and did nothing but remind him of better times—ones of friends, family, places, scenes. He had hundreds of pictures of Lori, thousands of Kili. Some of them were nothing more than random blurs of lights and colors that didn’t actually signify things, ones that he should really end up deleting at some point. Ones he couldn’t delete.

Others… He had a series of pictures of Lori, blushing and laughing, trying on different bits of sexy lingerie. Most of them didn’t fit, or were over-the-top bits of floof, things she would never wear. The smile, though, the way she held herself was in every pixel. She radiated out of the frame with every inch of her and he just. He fell in love with her all over again when he looked at those pictures.

The ones of Kili…

Fili’s thumb hovered over a folder he didn’t often look at. It seemed cruel, almost, to see a Kili who was whole and…

It was dumb.

He should have deleted them when he had left home, left Kili, but he had never gotten around to it. Lori had found them, once, and that had been that. And now, after. Well. After everything he was still glad he had them. Most of them were nothing, just pictures of Kili smiling, of him sleeping, looking content and at peace instead of raging at the world and wanting so badly to break free. There were a few with Kili looking wrecked—flushed red and panting, eyelashes dark against his skin, bite marks and hickies standing out livid—and all of them taken from horrible angles. All of them quite obviously from Fili having caused them.

Fili closed his eyes and clutched his phone tight to his chest. He remembered Frerin saying something once: We must remember that nothing in this world really belongs to us. At best, we are merely borrowers.

That’s all he really was, too, wasn’t he? A borrower. He borrowed Lori and he borrowed Kili and now both were gone from him. Dead and gone and he was left alone with the living. It was only fair, though, that he be left alone. Fair and unfair.

Fili let out a sigh and looked at the pictures of Kili again. He stopped flipping through to stare at one of Kili, maybe thirteen, laughing while balancing a spoon on his nose and looking at it crosseyed. He stared at the photo until the warnings to charge his phone came up hours later.


	75. All the gold which is under or upon the earth is not enough to give in exchange for virtue. ~ Plato

Kili let himself drift in the haze of the drugs he had taken. He felt the hands on his body but he closed his eyes and ignored them. They could do what they wanted, he just wanted the numbness.

He remembered a quote he had heard in one of his classes. All the gold which is under or upon the earth is not enough to give in exchange for virtue. He arched his back as his body informed him of what was happening but he pushed reality away. Virtue...what a silly thing to concern oneself with. What was it, after all, but a nuisance?

Virtue was just acting of high moral standing and that wasn't something he had ever had. And gold... The only gold Kili wanted was Fili and his golden hair and warm smile and nothing but kindness and love. For Fili Kili would do anything. But remembering Fili and what they had had only made Kili Los himself further in the haze. No, Fili had left and ripped Kili apart when he had done so. So Kili offered his nonexistent virtue to whoever could make him forget.

Virtue.

What nonsense.


	76. "Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy." ~ Isaac Newton

“I don’t know what to do with him,” Thorin said. He was sitting at the table, cutting into the steak Dis had saved for him. He’d been in town, drinking with some of the other men, talking and listening. Relaxing. He had come home to Kili on the couch reading a comic book—something they hadn’t been able to buy for indulgence in years—and started yelling. His headstrong nephew had responded in kind and it had ended with Kili storming out the door with a reddened cheek.

“That was obvious years ago,” Dis said. She stood at the counter, leaning against it with one hip and her arms crossed. “Something neither you nor my son realize is that tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy,” she said. At Thorin’s look she chuckled. “Neither of you would ever make good politicians.”

“No, that would be better left for Frerin and Fili,” Thorin said. “Even you.”

Dis shrugged. “Just, can you let up on him a little? I’ll make sure he stays out of the way but maybe, if we give him some breathing room, things will settle.”

“Settle to what, Dis? Him burning down the barn?”

“That was an accident,” Dis protested.

“Was it?” Thorin asked. “Can you say with certainty that it was?”

Dis responded with silence and a bowed head.


	77. You cannot step into the same river twice. ~Heraclitus

Legolas and Kili looked at each other.

“You’re crazy,” Legolas said, looking over at Radaghast. “You want us to go down there and get bitten by zombies. After you’ve cured us.”

“You cannot step into the same river twice!” Radaghast said cheerfully. “Come, come. It won’t take long.”

“You don’t think we can be infected again,” Kili said.

“You shouldn’t be able to be, no,” Radaghast said. “Come, come, let’s see.”

Kili let Radaghast grab him and drag him down the hall to the room with the rotting corpses. Legolas was hanging back, arms crossed, waiting. Kili let himself be pushed into the room and the door closed behind him. He watched the zombies milling about, the way they ignored him aside from a quick glance. He approached them, wiggling his fingers in front of one. It took a long sniff of him, it’s mouth opening slightly….but then it turned away.

Kili looked over his shoulder at the door and shrugged. Well. Looks like he wasn’t about to get bitten again. He watched as Legolas was pushed through next and even then the other zombies had no interest.

“Well, that says it all, doesn’t it?” Kili asked. He dropped down onto the floor and crossed his legs, indian style, as Legolas started following some of the zombies. “You looking to get bit?”

Legolas shrugged, maneuvering one zombie to walk into another. “Just entertaining myself until Radaghast gets us out of here.”

Kili snorted and closed his eyes, leaning back against the wall. Seems they really were cured after all.


	78. Seeking is not always the way to find. ~Augustus William Hare

Kili watched Legolas and Tauriel as he picked skin off his arm absently. “I don’t get it,” he said. His voice was distorted from the ruin his throat had become over the course of not eating. Tauriel looked up, still stroking through Legolas’s brittle hair, the tilt of her eyebrows and the scrunch around her nose giving away her curiosity. “You. And him. And his dad. The three of you make no sense.”

Tauriel laughed softly. “I guess it would look weird to an outsider.”

“Well?” Kili asked, tossing aside the long strip of skin he’d managed to peel off. There was just bone under his fingers now and he scratched at it. “What is it? Cuz I know I’ve seen and Thranduil.”

Tauriel grinned as Legolas made choking and hacking sounds. “So mature, Lassy.”

“Bite me,” Legolas muttered.

“Legolas and I met when he was in school,” Tauriel said. “I was his TA for music history. And then I met his dad and me and Thranduil just kind of…”

“He got there before I did,” Legolas said.

Kili snickered. “Wow, that’s kind of kinky.”

“Says the zombie in love with his brother and getting banged by him,” Legolas said.

“Now, boys, play nice,” Tauriel chided. “I wasn’t looking for a relationship, especially not with anyone older than myself, but there’s just…something about him.”

“Seeking is not always the way to find,” Kili said. “Usually by not looking is when you find it.”

Legolas rolled over in the grass, making more gagging noises, as Tauriel smiled sappily. “Oh, I know.”

“What’s Legolas to you now?” Kili asked, looking down at his arm as the sound of bone scraping against bone startled him.

“A little brother,” Tauriel said automatically. Legolas made a wounded noise and tried to roll away but Tauriel reached out and tugged on his hair. “Stop acting like a child and I’ll stop treating you as one.”

Kili smiled and looked down at his bones and drummed his boney digits against his ulna.


	79. You exist in time, but you belong to eternity. ~Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Kili slid along Fili's bed up from the end to the top. Fili's eyes flicked over toward him but went back to the book he was reading. Kili was smiling as he crouched by Fili's hip, waiting. Fili, though, was simply not cooperating with his plans for the night. He stayed in his crouch for a good ten minutes, ignoring the twinge in his knee, staring fixedly at his brother.  
Fili, the slick bastard, merely turned the pages of his book.

Kili caved, flopping over and sprawling over his brother's lap and legs. "Fiiiiiiiiii," he whined.

"You exist in time, but you belong to eternity," he said, eyes still on his book.

Kili stared at him. "What."

Fili smiled and said nothing.

"Jerk!" Kili grouched. "The hugest jerk ever."

"In the job description," Fili said as he flicked another page.

Kili was silent as he twisted about in Fili's lap, thinking about what he brother had said. He watched Fili flip to a new page before he grabbed the book and tossed it to the floor. When Fili sat up to protest and probably shout at him, Kili reached out and pulled Fili in for a kiss. It was slow and distracting with just the slightest hint of the hunger they always held for each other.

"Release me from now, from time, give me back to eternity," Kili said against Fili's lips.

"It's supposed to be about death," Fili said.

"Is it?" Kili challenged, pushing and pulling at Fili's shirt. "I think it's about living. I want you to make me live, Fi. Can you do that? Help me live?"

Fili closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Kili's waist. "Anything for you."


	80. Life has the name of life, but in reality it is death. ~Heraclitus

When Kili first realized that he wasn’t…quite like the other zombies he was confused. He had made his creaky, broken, twitchy way to one of the departments and feasted. There were professors and grad students, administrators and a water delivery guys. Kili devoured them and then set to wait.

He didn’t like the sounds from the others in the halls.

He crouched in a corner, picking meat and skin off a few metacarpals, and processed. He hadn’t even known he could still process, even as a corpse. He drifted, though, after a bit. And then Fili had found him and they had…well. Kili wasn’t quite sure what they had done. He was fading in and out, not sure what was happening to him. He wanted to eat everything but he didn’t want to hurt Fili. That wouldn’t have been forgivable. But Fili had found him food—people already injured to the point where letting them die would be easier. Fili had hesitated and shot them all in the head before letting Kili eat them.

Kili decided he didn’t like dying flesh. It tasted foul, like fish just gone off. But he ate it because Fili had given it to him.

“Life has the name of life, but in reality it is death,” Kili said one night, a couple of months into their trip. He was better, now, more together. Fili had started to not care, or notice, when Kili would eat someone while still alive and screaming. There were touches and very hesitantly kisses. But that was all. It was still a start.

Fili gave a tired sigh from his spot on the ground near the flames. He was trying to sleep after a long day. “You’re so weird.”

Kili reached out with a hand, almost touching the fire not not. He could feel some of his skin shriveling from the heat. “This isn’t life.”

“You’re alive,” Fili said.

“Am I?” Kili asked. “Am I really alive? I don’t breathe. My heart doesn’t beat—actually, I think that thing got ripped out months ago, some with bits of my lungs.”

Fili flinched. “Kili.”

“It’s not,” Kili said.

“There’s a cure,” Fili said, voice firm, his hand smacking the ground hard. “We are going to get you cured and fixed and that will be the end of that.”

Kili tried not to smile. “Who said I was just talking about this?"


	81. “People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die.” ― Plato

They heard the rumors, of course, saw the news and heard the radio. The plague. Some of the animals were acting weird and others had already run for it. Dis wanted to leave, to run, to find her children and hold them close. If it was going to be the end of the world she would have preferred it be with her children.

Frerin was too tired to care, honestly. Oh, look. The dead are arising from their graves. They're infecting everyone with death. Fantastic. He'd been dead since that spectacularly stupid night when he had kissed Thorin. His brother had yet to stop punishing him for it. His own stupid mistake and his own mortal weakness.

“Frey,” Thorin said from the stable door. He sounded tired and old. “I know you’re in there.”

Frerin rolled his eyes and said nothing.

“I need you to listen to me, all right? Just, hear me out.” 

Frerin shifted in the hay, his back to the ladder. He would do his level best, thanks, to ignore his big brother.

“We haven’t been able to get in touch with Fili or Kili,” Thorin said. “The help have all gone home and we can’t reach any of the rest of the family. I. It’s safe to assume they’re all dead.”

Frerin snorted. “Big surprise.”

“We should stay here, together. Fight, hide, do whatever we can to survive.”

“Want me to stay out here as a distraction?” Frerin asked. “Let you and Dis hide?”

“I asked you to listen.”

“You told me to listen.”

“Frey,” Thorin started.

“People are like dirt, Thorn. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die,” Frerin said, rolling over to the edge of the hay loft and jumping down. “Guess where you fall.”

He didn’t look back as he brushed past Thorin. He didn’t see his face.

He didn’t care anymore. He was already dead inside, let the monsters come and put him out of his misery.


	82. Commitment is an act, not a word. - Sartre

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Kili demanded. He was sitting in the middle of the bed where Fili had pushed him, shirt off and pants unzipped. He was breathing quickly, eyes so wide they hurt. Fili had never pushed him away before.

 

“We can’t do this.”

 

“Yes we can,” Kili said.

 

“You don’t know what you’re doing,” Fili said.

 

“Are you trying to break things off with me or quote every single chick flick out there?” Kili asked, flopping back on the bed and squirming around as he zipped his jeans up. “Because, I gotta tell you, you sound like a Lifetime movie.”

 

Fili took a step back, and then another and another until he was pressed back against the closet door. “Kili, we can’t… This is too serious. We’re too serious. This shouldn’t even be a thing with us but it is and, and.”

 

“And?” Kili asked, getting off the bed and squating down to pick up his tshirt. 

 

“We’re brothers, we can’t do this. We can’t commit to a relationship with each other, we can’t commit to anything.”

 

“Why,” Kili asked, feeling the aching void in his heart, the one Fili had started to mend, start to rip open again. “You want to go out with girls? Other boys? Anyone but not me? You want to screw someone else?” The over was left silent.

 

“Kili,” Fili started to say. 

 

“No,” Kili snapped. “Commitment is an act, not a word. You don’t want this? You want to stop because of some stupid reason? Fine. Let’s stop. Not like you ever actually cared about me anyway.”

 

“That’s not—!” Fili protested, but the door was already slamming shut.


	83. Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. ~Ludwig Börne

Kili used to think his big brother was flawless. Fili was the golden child, after all. He was wonderful in school and excellent at sports. He never made enemies, only friends. He played well with others where Kili honestly didn't. 

Sometimes Kili wanted to be his big brother. 

And then Fili had kissed him. And then they had--well. Kili had thought they had--fallen in love. All throughout that time Kili has still thought Fili was perfect. Then Fili had ripped his heart out and left it beating at his feet. Fili was leaving and he didn't love Kili. He didn't want to take Kili away from the hell of this place. He just wanted to leave.

"You okay, kid?" Frerin asked, sitting next to Kili on the bench. He reached out and ruffled Kili's hair.

Kili let him, his head resting on the knees he had pulled tight against his chest. He stayed silent, looking out over the yard that Dis cultivated carefully.

"He'll come back at some point," Frerin said. "You know he will."

Kili said, "Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth. He's not coming back, not for me, not for anyone. He's gone and left me here to rot."

Frerin was quiet. "We can rot together."

Kili looked at his uncle and saw his own pain reflected. He scooted a little closer and nudged Frerin gently. His uncle stretched his arms and then dropped one around Kili's shoulders, giving him a squeeze.

"We'll be fine, you and I. You'll see."


	84. "What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil.” ~Nietzsche

Fili tried to breathe.

Deep breaths. In, and out. In, and out. In, hold for a count of five, let it out. Hold, hold, out. Slow, slow and steady.

He heard the sob and scream of the woman Kili was. The… Fili took off one of his gloves and rubbed at his eyes. Fuck. The woman Kili was eating. Kili was biting into her and ripping the skin and muscles and just…everything. He was devouring her and he would continue to do so until his hunger was sated.

Kili had a big appetite now.

What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil. What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil. What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil. What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil.

Fili kept repeating it to himself, holding to it, clinging to it. If he was religious then he would pray, but no god would have one as tarnished as him. He killed and he ignored and he lied and fucked his little brother.


	85. “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.”  Andre Gide

Fili flinched as Lori sat down next to him on the couch. He couldn't help hunching in on himself. He hadn't meant to, he really hadn't, but he had. He'd been so good about it before now but he'd made a mistake. He'd said the wrong name. He had said Kili's name. Lori...he loved her. And now he was going to lose her.

"He's your brother, right?" Lori asked. Fili nodded. "He's the cutie in your phone?" Another nod. "Hell, if he was my brother I'd bang him too."

Fili stared at her. "What?"

Lori smiled and scooted closer. "You love him, don't you? And I'm not talking love like a brother, you love him like you love me."

"Yeah," Fili said, running his hands through his hair. "I left because of him.mit was wrong and I was hurting him and ruining him. I couldn't do that to him just because I."

"He's the one who keeps calling," Lori said. "You don't answer them. That doesn't sound like someone who is hurt and hates you. It sounds like someone who loves you and wants you back."

Fili shook his head. "I can't."

Lori pulled him against her in a hug. “It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not," she said. "I love you. He loves you. The world will hate you but you will still be loved. And safe."

Fili closed his eyes tightly and let Lori ease him, all of him, even if just for a little while. Maybe...maybe the next time Kili called he'd pick up.


	86. You never know what is enough, until you know what is more than enough. ~William Blake

“Fili, Fili, Fili,” Kili gasped, pushing at Fili’s shoulders. His brother looked up, licking his lips, and Kili shuddered. His breathing as quick and his body felt as if he’d been blown up like a balloon and then had the air all pushed out of him. Limp and loose and his skin was too big and too small at the same time.

“You okay?” Fili asked, voice rough.

Kili slid his hands down to curl around Fili’s upper arms and pulled him up and closer. He was shaking and shivering, body still completely wrecked from earlier. “‘m good, so good.”

Fili settled next to him on the bed and tugged him into his arms. “Too much?”

Kili smiled and nuzzled in against Fili’s chest. “You never know what is enough—“

“—until you know what is more than enough,” Fili finished. “Ma always did like that saying.”

“Rubs off on you, I guess,” Kili said.

“Sensitive?” Fili asked, trailing a finger down the curve of Kili’s spine. Kili gasped softly and tried to burrow into FIli to escape that finger. “Ah, so sensitive then.” There was a kiss and FIli getting more comfortable. “Sleep, yeah? We’ll start up again later.”

Kili smiled and licked at Fili’s collarbone. “‘kaaaaaaay."


	87. "I hate victims who respect their executioners.” ~Jean-Paul Sartre

“This is a work of art,” Elrond said as he looked down the scope. Kili sat in the corner of the room, liking the coolness and the walls at his back. He knew it was defensive and more animalistic behaviour than he was comfortable with, but he didn’t like what he was hearing. “Gandalf, look at how this virus replicates itself. I don’t think I’ve ever seen something so simplistically breathtaking.”

 

Gandalf looked once Elrond relinquished his hold of the microscope and hummed softly. “It looks almost organic.”

 

“Except at the points, those are definitely manmade.”

 

Kili listened to them babbling and looked down at his tattered clothing. “I hate victims who respect their executioners,” he said. He would have sighed if he could have. He watched and listened as the two scientists continued to praise and exult the virus that would see the world reduced to fire and ash.


	88. "Words are loaded pistols." ~Jean-Paul Sartre

Thorin was waiting for him when he got back that evening. Fili hesitated as he discarded his jacket and kicked off his sneakers. He opened his closet and pulled out one of the faded and abused t-shirts he used for doing his chores with the horses.

"Fili."

He froze, turning to look at his uncle. 

"I know."

Fili swallowed dryly. "You know?"

"You. And Kili."

"Oh," Fili said softly. He tugged his shirt off and pulled the new one on.

"It needs to stop," Thorin said. "You two are hurting each other by doing this. A certain amount of messing about is normal between brothers but the two of you take it too far. You do too much."

Fili straightened his shirt and smoothed his shaking hands over it. "Uncle..."

"End it," Thorin said. "If you care even the slightest for your brother you will end it."

Fili looked at the wall instead of at his uncle. "I know you need help here but I think I'm going to move to Illinois. See if I can get back into Northhwestern after I deferred."

"Fili--"

"You want me to stop?" Fili asked. "Then you let me leave. I can't...I can't promise I'll stop if I stay here. Not with Kili. I...I can't. I know it's wrong, I do, but. It's just. It's Kili, you know?"

"Deal."

Fili watched as Thorin left and sat on his bed. He tugged on his hair slightly and sighed. He knew it was wrong and yet part of him didn't care. Now he knew that others knew, that it wasn't just his and Kili's secret, and that made everything that much worse. Words like loaded pistols. Staring down the barrel of the gun.


	89. Only in the early morning light of day, and of life, can we see the world without its shadows. Truth requires new beginnings. ~Jeb Dickerson

Fili woke first. The sun slipped through the darkness and passed the bars on the window. It didn't seem to matter as the rays landed on Kili, illuminating him in his sleep.

 

His baby brother was alive and whole and cured. He was there with him, sleeping in the same bed. Fili reached out and carefully pushed back Kili’s bangs. He didn’t want to wake him. Kili was gorgeous in his sleep.

He stirred and cracked open an eye to watch Fili. Now that he was awake Fili had no problem sliding his fingers down over Kili’s chest and ass. He loved feeling Kili’s whole skin under his, the way he could feel his life.

“You’re still a morning person,” Kili muttered into the pillow. 

“I like watching you.”

“Creeper.”

“Only in the early morning light of day, and of life, can we see the world without its shadows. Truth requires new beginnings,” Fili said, reaching up and twining his fingers through Kili’s hair.

“Poetic.”

“You’re not the only one who can quote philosophy,” Fili said. 

Kili snickered and scooted closer. “Quote me more.”

“That’s all I got, sorry,” Fili said, kissing Kili’s forehead.


	90. You become responsible forever for what you've tamed. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uuuuuh....i have no explanation for this chapter

“Tell me about him,” Lori said one night while they laid tangled in the sheets. She was stroking his chest absently, tracing random patterns along his skin. “Tell me about Kili.”

Fili had his hands under his head and tried not to tense too much. Tell her about Kili? He couldn’t. It would…there was no way to hide the truth that way. But, well, Lori knew a great deal of it already.

“He’s trouble,” Fili said after a moment. “Entirely too smart for his own good and just. He gets into trouble because he doesn’t know when to shut up and when to stop pushing.”

Lori chuckled softly, turning to press herself more firmly against him. “Sounds like something that should be encouraged. Bet he could be a hell of a lawyer.”

Fili wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her close. “Not really,” he said. “My uncle tried to get him to fall in line but the more he pressed the more Kili rebelled. Last I heard he was barely holding out in the fourth high school they’d sent him to. He keeps getting kicked out but his test scores have practically guaranteed him entry to whatever college he decides on.”

“Such praise,” Lori said. “Tell me more.”

“He’s so angry all the time,” Fili said. “Well, he wasn’t, not with me. He…he was Kili, just Kili. Sweet and bright and so painfully desperate for anything I could give him.”

Lori wiggled her way on top of him. “Was that before or after?”

Fili reached up and threaded his fingers with hers. “After. Before he usually tried to avoid me or just kind of…watched me. Never could figure out why until he said he was never sure how I’d react to him. If I’d be like Thorin or not.”

Lori hummed softly. “You weren’t, were you?”

“Total pushover,” Fili said. “I gave him everything he asked for.”

“Except staying,” Lori said. She squirmed against him, smiling as Fili’s breath caught. “You tamed him.”

“Yeah,” Fili said, biting his lip as he slipped inside her.

Lori let her head fall back, her dark hair cascading down her back, as she moved her hips. “You know what they say, lover. You become responsible forever for what you've tamed.”

Fili watched her as she moved until he closed his eyes and all he could see was Kili with his head tossed back and his mouth open. He wasn’t sure who had tamed who...


	91. Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. ~DrSeuss

"Why?" Fili asked.

"Because I love you," Kili said.

"Why?" Thorin asked.

"Does it matter?" Frerin asked.

"Why?" Lori asked, tucking a lock of Fili's hair behind his ear

"I...because I love him," Fili said. 

"Why?" Kili asked his knees.

Frerin reached out and ruffled Kili's hair. "The question is complicated but the answer is simple."

"I think the answer is complicated and the question easy."

"Neither," Frerin said. "There is nothing easy or complicated about love and yet everything is easy and complicated."


	92. "When you're curious, you find lots of interesting things to do.” ~Walt Disney

Fili looked on in exasperation at his little brother. He was covered almost head-to-toe in mud and grass, beaming, clutching at some junk he’d found at the bottom of the river. “Mom’s going to kill you,” he said.

“Nononononono,” Kili said rapidly. “Look! Look! This thing, it’s a—“

“Kili,” Fili sighed.

“Nooooo,” Kili whined. “Look! It’s part of plane!”

Fili stared at him. “Kili, there are no planes around here. Maybe some crop dusters but that’s a couple miles away.”

Kili pouted at him. “No, it’s part of a plane. You could make this piece actually work and—“

“Then go make it work,” Fili said. “Hose off first, though, okay?”

“Don’t you want to help me?” Kili asked, looking sad.

Fili shook his head. “I’ve got homework to do.”

Kili took a step back, clutching his pretend plane part to his chest. “O-okay. I’ll leave you alone.”

Fili reached out, not wanting to chase his little brother away, but Kili was already running away. He huffed and shook his head. It must be nice, always being able to find interesting things to do for no good reason other than a thought in your head.


	93. "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

Kili didn’t like growing up on the ranch all that much. One positive was there was tons of space to run around and horses and trees and a swimming hole. All of which was amazing and awesome, but there was a major drawback—Uncle Thorin. 

First it was okay, at first Thorin just ignored him. Kili knew he was an odd kid—his classmates hated him and his teachers were always puzzled by him—and he didn’t like being ignored. He would do silly things, anything, to get his uncle’s attention. Eventually Thorin stopped ignoring him and started paying attention. Every now and then he’d get the odd smile and once or twice he got an honest laugh out of the man.

After a while, though, that stopped being enough. After a while he just became a teenager. He was angry about everything, confused, wanting to do his own things and have things make sense. Thorin, though—Dear Uncle Thorin—wanted Kili to do things his way. They fought and screamed and yelled and, in a way, Kili got the attention he had always wanted from the man who was, in a way, his only father-figure.

He read a quote somewhere in high school (after Fili had left) from Gandhi: “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”

In a way, Kili supposed, he had won.


	94. "From caring comes courage.” ~Lao Tzu

Fili hated himself for caring about Kili. For loving him. He couldn’t think himself not broken or damaged or crazy for loving his little brother. The whole world told him he was diseased and wrong and… Part of him believed it. That was why he left. He hated it, felt like he was cutting off part of himself by doing so, but he had to. He had to be a brother, and older and protective one, and leave his brother alone. 

Doing what Thorin wanted never even crossed his mind. He did what he thought was right for Kili.

So he left. Then he met Lori.

His beautiful, gorgeous Lori with her long and curly brown hair that absolutely did not remind him of Kili. She had beautiful eyes like bleached green sea glass, those little bits he saw in jewelry stores for more money than he could ever afford. Wicked and funny and curvy and not a stick or boney and just. She made his damaged heart beat faster and almost mend.

She understood about Kili, wanted to meet him. Fili almost thought she… Well, it didn’t much matter anymore. He had wanted to marry her. He wanted to build a life with her, to rescue Kili, to have them live safely together.

The virus ruined all of that. But the love he had for Lori, and her memory, and the love he had for Kili gave him strength. He fought, he protected, he survived. His love gave him the courage to move on and live.


	95. Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light? ~Maurice Freehill

Frerin watched as Thorin paced the length of the kitchen. His brother’s face was marred by the scowl that seemed to be permanently set in his face since Kili became a teenager. Well, preteen too. Ever since Kili stopped doing what people wanted him to do and started questioning and doing what he wanted. 

Frerin called it growing up. Thorin called it disrespect. Dis just sighed and loved her boys.

“Why are you so angry, Thorin?” Frerin asked. “He did what you asked. He just did it with his own flair and, actually, ended up saving us some money, time, and work.”

“That’s not the point,” Thorin said, pulling out a chair and sitting down heavily. “He didn’t listen, didn’t—"

“Didn’t mindlessly obey like Fili does?” Frerin asked. Thorin glared at him. “Oh, Thorin. I really wish you’d let this eternal tug-of-war with Kili go. Neither of you are going to win this.”

“This isn’t about winning,” Thorin said. “This is about learning—“

“If you want so badly to teach him then go grab a belt and beat the lesson into him like father did us,” Frerin said, voice cold. “You’re getting more and more pigheaded and it’s not doing anyone any good, least of all you.”

“How dare you—“

Frerin got to his feet. “Who is more foolish, Thorin, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light?”

“Don’t you shove your words—“

Frerin shook his head and left the kitchen, heading out to the stables. He had a nephew to soothe and too many thoughts in his head.


	96. People who live in society have learned how to see themselves in mirrors as they appear to their friends. I have no friends. Is that why my flesh is so naked? ~ Jean-Paul Sartre

Fili carefully made his way through the streets. The creatures were odd, some of them standing still and little more than the corpses they already were, others were roaming in packs with their jaws working up and down or side to side. They were hungry. Fili did his best to stay out of sight and keep quiet. 

Some part of him wasn’t overly surprised at some of the creatures he saw. They were his neighbours, his friends, the people he saw around town all the time. Some of them had been vicious, hiding behind a smile, but hardly the type of friend one could want. Still, society made them the way they were, except now society had fallen apart. It no longer was what it had once been.

Fili squatted down behind a still smoking car. It was Miriam Parker’s from down the street. He glanced inside and wished he hadn’t; her little boy had been ripped to pieces and eaten. He pressed the back of his hand to his mouth and focused on trying to stay unseen, mind reaching for anything but what he had seen.

His Uncle Frerin used to say something, quoting some philosopher he adored. His mom had once teased him, saying he was obsessed with the guy. Kili had read him, claimed he was awesome, but never said anything else about him. Fuck, what was his name?

Sartre! That guy with the hell is other people quote. Okay, so what was it that Frerin used to say? Something vicious about society. Well, maybe not vicious? Oh, that was it. People who live in society have learned how to see themselves in mirrors as they appear to their friends. Well, yes, Fili could definitely see that. He peeked around the side of the car, looking at the roving pack. There was Mr Jone from the hardware store, Miriam, Dr Fergeson the dentist, and Jake Spiel from the bank. They definitely reflected the current society. What was the rest of the quote?

Fili startled himself as he shifted and caught a piece of metal under his boot. It made a loud screeching noise, drawing attention to himself. He swore and turned quickly to run in the direction he had just came from. Live to fight another day and all.

I have no friend. Is that why my flesh is so naked?


	97. Curiosity is the lust of the mind. ~Thomas Hobbes

Kili had never thought his brother attractive or a sexual being. Fili had always been there, just on the cusp of his mind. Then he had seen Fili with one of his girlfriends, the two of them skinny dipping in the swimming hole. He'd seen Fili, really seen him, and something inside him stirred.

He couldn't get it out of his mind, couldn't get Fili out of his mind. He wanted to see more, to know more of him, to know Fili as someone other than his brother... He wanted to know Fili as another human, another male. He wanted Fili to be someone he could touch and yearn...and lust over.

He hadn't even realized he was interested in anything or anyone until Fili.

It was his own damned fault for getting curious in the first place.


	98. "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” ~Aristotle

Kili watched Fili care for the horses from his spot on a bale of hay. He was flopped over on his stomach, chin in his hand, watching him with a smile on his face. Fili had been distant lately but Kili wasn’t worried. This was Fili, his one constant, his perfect older brother who loved him and smiled at him, who made him feel loved and wonderful and perfect and protected. Nothing was better than when they were together.

“Thorin and mom are gone for the weekend,” Kili said. Fili’s shoulders slid up as he kept shoveling. “I think Frerin is going to see his girlfriend.”

“He said something about that,” Fili said.

“We’d have the whole place to ourselves,” Kili said. The idea was exciting. He and FIli could be completely free with each other, could touch and taste and do whatever wherever. They’d had that before, a couple months ago, and Fili had taken him apart for hours before putting him back together. Kili wanted that, want it so much, wanted to feel absolutely nothing aside from Fili.

“Kili,” Fili said softly. Kili waited, head tilted to the side. Fili still had his back to him. There was silence and Kili frowned.

“What is it?”

“Nothing,” Fili said. He leaned the shovel against a post and took his gloves off. He came over and knelt down to kiss Kili. He cupped his face and kissed Kili like he wanted to take all the air from his lungs and fill him with Fili’s instead. He was breathless and flushed when Fili pulled away. “I love you.”

Kili smiled, leaning closer and nipping Fili’s bottom lip. “You know, love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies,” he said. “That’s what we are, you know? We make one person together. How could I do anything but love you?

Fili looked like he’d been punched before he smiled at Kili and kissed him again. Kili could hear alarm bells ringing in the back of his mind but he ignored them, reaching out to steady Fili as he moved around to straddled Fili’s lap. Nothing else mattered except the two of them and nothing could change his mind about that.


	99. Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. ~Oscar Wilde

Kili smiled at Fili, his brother sitting on the bed with an anxious look of his face. “You scared?”

“More than you could imagine,” Fili said.

Kili bit his lip to keep from smiling even more and pulled his shirt up over his head and dropped it on the ground. He ran his hands over his chest, reveling in the smooth skin and the ridges of his muscles. He had worked hard to get his body in shape, in good shape, and the look Fili gave him told him how well he had succeeded.

“Ki…”

Kili took a step closer to his brother, hands sliding down further to pop the button on his jeans. He slowly drew down the zipper and shoved at them, thumbs sliding under the elastic of his boxers and pushing them down. He kicked the clothes away and stood there, naked, before his brother. Fili looked caught and entranced, as if he wasn’t sure if he should run or launch himself off the bed and touch Kili.

“I’ve missed you,” Kili said, head tilting to the side, feeling his hair slide of his his shoulder to hang down his back. “Have you missed me too?”

Fili licked his lips, hands fisting in the blankets. 

“Please,” Kili said, hands moving down his sides and hips, coming to grip his cock firmly, giving it a few tugs. “I want you to touch me. To take me. Push me down and fuck me stupid.”

Fili stood up off the bed, coming over and taking hold of Kili’s cock instead. Kili leaned into Fili as his brother stroked him, quick then slow than quicker, thumb flicking against his cock. Kili shuddered, his cock hardening and leaking just the slightest. Fili let out a deep breath Kili hadn’t know he’d been holding.

“I’ve missed this,” Fili admitted. “I couldn’t please you, help you, give you any of this before.”

“I liked helping you,” Kili said.

“I’ve wanted so much to give to you what you gave to me. All you did was let me take you, only help myself,” Fili said.

“No guilt,” Kili said, thrusting shallowly into Fili’s tightening fist. “Make it up to me now. Fuck me, FIli. I want to feel you inside me, I want you to make me come.”

Fili pulled him closer and kissed him. “I think I can do that."


	100. "Wisdom begins in wonder.” ~Socrates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .....i could have sworn i had finished posting this

Kirin hefted Kili up in his arms and pointed. “Look at that, kiddo.”

“Wuzzat?” the little boy asked. He was rubbing at his eyes tiredly with his fist, leaning heavily into Kirin.

“Those are Faberge Eggs,” Kirin said. “The small ones were created by tiny elves that helped carve the metal and glass and put them together again. The larger ones over by your brother were made by dwarves, about your size. A king in charge of a very large kingdom ordered them made for his queen. She loved them so much that the elves and dwarves made fifty of them for her.”

Kili had perked up a little and craned his neck around. “But, but, da! There’s not fifty here!” He had recently learned to count to fifty—doing so by using all the stars in the flag—and had delighted in counting everything he could.

“No, there’s not,” Kirin said with exaggerated sadness. “Seven of the eggs were lost when the kingdom fell. The king and queen had been spirited out of the kingdom but everything that was in their castle was taken. No one knows where the seven missing eggs are.”

Kili looked at him with wide eyes. “No one?”

Kirin smiled and booped his nose. “Nope, no one.”

“I wanna find them!”

“Then you will,” Kirin said. “You know, when we get home? I need to introduce you to Indiana Jones.”

“Who?”

“You’ll see,” Kirin laughed.


	101. "Time flies over us, but leaves its shadow behind.” ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

“I wish I could go back in time,” Fili said. He carded his fingers through Kili’s greying hair.

Kili turned his face against Fili’s neck and breathed in his scent. “How so?”

“I would have fought for you, stood up to uncle more, anything. Everything I should have done the first time,” Fili said.

“We’d be dead,” Kili said. He shifted them so he was able to kiss Fili and stroke his bearded face. “Probably with the rest of them.”

Fili was silent as they touched in the dim light of dusk. They would have died. They would have been miserable but together. None of the history and love and they would not have survived the crucible of the plague. 

“I still wish I could have done things differently,” Fili said.

"Time flies over us, but leaves its shadow behind.”

Fili smiled, eyes closing, as he tugged Kili in closer, hand curled around the back of his neck. Their foreheads touched and they shared breath, the closeness between them easy and as old as time. It was comfort and love and everything Fili had ever wanted out of life. It had taken him a long time to find it, a long time to have it, but it was worth it in the end.


	102. "I am prepared for the worst, but hope for the best.” ~Benjamin Disraeli

“Why do you stay?” Kili asked Tauriel. He and Legolas were both covered in gore from the meal they had been given. Legolas was sucking his fingers clean and ignoring them. He was…odd. He spouted lyrics to random songs no matter the relevance and kept to himself, unless he was with Tauriel.

Tauriel leaned back against the cold sterile steel wall. “I stay because I believe.”

“Believe?” Kili asked. “Believe in what?”

“Well, maybe believe is the wrong word,” Tauriel said. “I believe in Thranduil and Radaghast. I’m positive they can fix this.”

“So, not belief so much as hope?” Kili asked. His flesh was repairing itself but it never fixed his hand or his cheek. He was falling apart faster than he ever had before.

Tauriel hummed softly, tracing patterns against the metal floor. “I am prepared for the worst but hope for the best.”

“Disraeli?” Kili asked.

“Exactly,” Tauriel said.

“What do you hope for?”

“For everything to turn out all right,” Tauriel said. She stretched her hands up above her head and cracked her shoulders. “I want to go back to our house, have me and Thranduil pick up where we left off. I want Legolas to come back home with us and to mess around with his music. I’m a simple person, honestly. I just want the people in my life to be happy and with me.”

Kili made an agreeable noise.

“And you?” Tauriel asked, reaching out to boop Kili’s nose. “What do you hope for?”

Kili smiled. “Fili."


	103. "At the moment of death I hope to be surprised.” ~Ivan Illich

“The dead are officially staying dead now,” Fili said. He wiggled the handheld radio at Kili. “Crisis is officially over. Wait, what’re you doing?”

Kili straightened from where he was bent over the sink, dropping the scissors in the sink and ruffling his hands through his shortened hair. “Think anyone around here has an electric razor?”

“If they do I’m going to destroy it,” Fili said. He set the radio down and ran his own fingers through Kili’s hair. “It’s so short…”

Kili leaned back so he could still see himself in the bathroom mirror. “Shorter than I’ve ever had it, yeah? Kind of like it.”

“I don’t,” Fili said. “You need to grow it back out.”

Kili rolled his eyes and rocked forward to smoosh his nose and lips against FIli’s forehead. “Ridiculous brother. What were you going on about?”

“The dead,” Fili said. “They are officially staying dead. Everyone’s burning the bodies anyway, not just out of paranoia, because it’s easier.”

“Cool,” Kili said. He squirmed his way out of Fili’s hands and started cleaning up the long strands of hair he had cut off. “I know Thranduil and Radaghast were getting the cure out as fast as possible but it’s still nice to hear that we’re actually able to fight back.”

“I know you died once already,” Fili said. He hesitated before helping Kili gather his shorn hair. “But, when you do go again, what do you think will be waiting?”

Kili paused, his foot on the old peddle trashcan. Fili tossed in his hair while Kili held onto it for a moment as he thought. “You know, if you’d asked me before what I thought might be waiting I probably would have made some noise about a throne and a legion of hellhounds.” Fili snickered. “You joke but I’m serious. But now? At the moment of death I hope to be surprised.”

“That’s one of your quotes, isn’t it?”

Kili nodded. “Ivan Illich.”

“Well, Ivan has a good point. I’d like to be surprised. I’ve seen enough death that I might be romanticizing the afterlife a little but I’d still like to—“

“You can’t want to be surprised and also hope for the best,” Kili said. He tossed in his hair and rubbed his hands together to free them of any clingy strands. “I want to take the good with the bad, the nothing with the everything. I do not care, only that I want to see what’s there.”

Fili was quiet for a moment and then reached out, snagging Kili’s hand. “Yeah, you’re right. You know one thing, though?” Kili tilted his head in a silent question. “Whatever death holds for us I hope I’m with you through it all.”

Kili would deny the melty feeling that gave him for the rest of his life and just smiled at Fili.


	104. The beginning is the most important part of the work. ~ Plato

It started with a drug.

A club drug, LSD, cut with some mystery that no one ever figured out. It was a never discovered how both Kili and Legolas was dosed with the same drug having never been even in the same vicinity of each other. In the end it didn’t matter how it happened. There were others, of course, who had taken squares of the same batch. Many had ended up ripped to pieces and devoured, their meat having no impact on the living dead.

The cure had been carefully synthesized through the collaborative efforts of Elrond, Gandalf, and Radaghast. Countless lives had been sacrificed but the world’s population had, instead, been saved. The three had released the makeup of the cure over the internet, radio waves, and satellites. Slowly the world began to be able to restore itself.

All because a lonely teenager had gone to a rave near his college and wanted to leave his world behind.

All because an angry twentysomething on the edge of thirty had gone to a friend’s rich party to lose himself in anything but his here and now.

The beginning, after all, is the most important part of the work.


	105. Alice came to a fork in the road.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked.  
> "Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire cat.  
> "I don't know," Alice answered.  
> "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."  
> ~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

"What now?” Kili asked. He was sitting on Fili’s bed in the Center. He was rubbing his fingers together, looking at them instead of Fili.

“Well, that is the question, isn’t it?” Fili asked.

Kili looked up at him, lips quirking into a smile. “Yeah, it really is.”

Fili sat next to him, reclining a little, taking Kili’s hand and playing with his fingers absently. “The cure was made airborne and a lot of people have been able to get it out to the worst areas.”

“Yeah and?”

“There’s always going to be the chance of the odd zombie,” Fili said.

“That’s why we’re always armed,” Kili pointed out.

“I know,” Fili said. “I think we should leave. Go find a home of our own and try and move on with our lives. We both know how to live off the land and it isn’t so much of a stretch to imagine living in this world. Not after everything that’s happened so far.”

“Where would we live?” Kili asked. “A city? Your old place?”

Fili shook his head, looking pained. There were lines around his eyes and lips and Kili sighed. Open mouth insert foot. “I think somewhere isolated.”

“And if it’s overrun?” Kili asked.

“Well, you can’t be infected anymore and I know how to kill them,” Fili said. “It’s worth it, I think, to fight for a home and protect it.”

Kili shifted and flopped so he was sprawled across Fili’s lap. “Okay. Pick a place.”

Fili had a wicked smile of his face, leaning down to kiss Kili. “You know,” he murmured against Kili’s lips. “We could find one of those extravagant homes somewhere, take it for our own.”

“Any reason why?” Kili asked, reaching up and scratching at Fili’s scalp.

“Because we can.”

Kili laughed. “All right. Let’s do that.”

Fili smiled down at him and leaned in to kiss him again.


	106. The Quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for SpinrgFRE, prompt#24 - Post apocalypse AU, but instead of fire and brimstone, everything is just empty and quiet, except for them.

It was the quiet of the mountains that got to Kili.

He was used to noise and lights and pounding music. Even after everything he still expected to hear screams and shouts, but all he heard was silence.

The world had ended with a cry of anguish but it had calmed since the cure. A year later and it was silent as the world regrew. Here, at home in the woods, in their massive house, there was laughter. Kili closed his eyes, head tilted back, and listened.

There was music too. Fili singing. He was doing something in the house, probably carving furniture they would never use, and singing. Kili turned back into the house, closing the door, and leaned against it. He closed his eyes, smiling, humming along to the song. It was a Beatles song.

He went closer to Fili, watching him whittle away at a leg of the chair, and sat down on the couch his brother had made.

“It’s so quiet,” Kili said. “I miss the noise."

“Maybe soon,” Fili said. “The little town is getting busier. People are coming back."

Kili stretched out, eyes closing. “Sing to me, love. I want to hear you being happy."

Fili chuckled. He stood, walking around the chair he was carving, to lean over and kiss Kili’s forehead gently. “I am always happy when you’re around."

Kili smiled. “Likewise."

Silence broke to the sound of singing. Fili’s voice was gold and happy, like the sun, and Kili would chime in every now and then, the tinkling of silver. The silence ended and only happiness remained.


End file.
